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TPO25-2: Some people do not enjoy shopping and shop only when they have a specific purchase to make. Others like to go shopping for pleasure whether or not they have something to buy. Which do you prefer and why? v.1

TPO25-2: Some people do not enjoy shopping and shop only when they have a specific purchase to make. Others like to go shopping for pleasure whether or not they have something to buy. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1
In recent times, the rising number of younger in some countries caused a lot of debates with its drawbacks and merits. In my opinion, for several reasons, the advantages of a young culture outweigh the disadvantage ones. It is obvious that there are some drawbacks that countries which having a younger society have to face. Firstly, the rising number of youngsters may cause the risk of sharp society growth. It means that government has to take potential steps to tackle the increasing birth rate and control more in the state rises. Secondly, the high portion of working population may increase the risk of unemployment rate. Young adults have to high competition in the labour market with higher requirements, also it is a real danger to the health of the unemployment insurance budget. On the contrary, there are also various benefits of this tendency that people can gain from them. The first merit of youngsters which should be added is that they boosted up the economic developments of countries. Because working population is the main workforce who earn money and be responsible for the development of that country. Moreover, they reduce burdens on the health care system of countries. We can consider the pandemic Covic - 19 recently as an example of the loss of old countries when facing with the high death rate compared to younger ones. Last but not least, the high productive age in the countries would be a main factor which attracts international enterprise and could get more investment as a charming labour market. Drawing to a conclusion, the younger population would bring back more merits than disadvantages which can develop that country in term of several perspectives.
In recent times, the rising number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
debates with its drawbacks and merits. In my opinion, for several reasons, the advantages of a young culture outweigh the disadvantage ones.

It is obvious that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face.
Firstly
, the rising number of youngsters may cause the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of sharp society growth. It means that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
take potential steps to tackle the increasing birth rate and control more in the state rises.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
portion of working population may increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of unemployment rate. Young adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
competition in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market with higher requirements,
also
it is a real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to the health of the unemployment insurance budget.

On the contrary
, there are
also
various benefits of this tendency that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can gain from them. The
first
merit of youngsters which should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
is that they boosted up the economic developments of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
working population is the main workforce who earn money and be responsible for the development of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
burdens on the health care system of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. We can consider the pandemic
Possible spelling mistake found.
Covic
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
19 recently as an example of the loss of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
when facing with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
death rate compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
ones. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
productive age in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
would be a main factor which attracts international enterprise and could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more investment as a charming
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market.

Drawing to a conclusion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
population would bring back more merits than disadvantages which can develop that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in term of several perspectives.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay TPO25-2: Some people do not enjoy shopping and shop only when they have a specific purchase to make. Others like to go shopping for pleasure whether or not they have something to buy. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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