Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

TPO24 – Independent: A/D? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them take a part time job v.2

TPO24 – Independent: A/D? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them take a part time job v. 2
A successful life in adulthood depends on the skills that everybody learns during childhood. In this regard, some people are inclined toward the opinion that parents should lead children to take part-time job whereas others hold exactly the opposite perspective believing that part-time job is not helpful for the teenagers. In my vantage point, teenagers should spend some time on part-time jobs to become independent and improve their social skills. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint. An important aspect of a person' s personality is independence which is engendered through doing tasks solely. In fact, working part-time is the best way to gain experience and become independent. For example, my kid brother used to work in several jobs - including teacher, accountant, and salesperson - when he was at high school. He faced many difficulties in finding jobs, choosing between two jobs and spending his income frugally. He consulted with our parents but finally, he decided independently about the possible solutions of his problems. Reaching pleasant results in his decisions made him more independent and ready for his future life. Another equally important skill that part-time job provides for teenagers is to learn communicating skills. That is to say, social skills gained in the job environment are totally different from what they experience at school. The common relationship among children at school is friendship but at work they face with several people with diverse positions. For instance, the way that they should talk to their boss is completely different from what happens among friends or teachers and students. They learn not to poke fun at their colleagues and managers, to respect the consumers, and to defer to the managers and experts. Hence, working part-time teaches children a different dimension of social skills. By and large, if one assesses the effects of part-time job on children, one soon realizes that the best way for parents to help their teenage children succeed in the future life is to exhort them to get an occupation. In fact, working in lower ages brings independence and better social skills to teenagers and makes them ready for their adulthood.
A successful life in adulthood depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
that everybody learns during childhood. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are inclined
toward the opinion that parents should lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
whereas others hold exactly the opposite perspective believing that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is not helpful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
. In my vantage point,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time on part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to become independent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint.

An
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of a
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s personality is independence which
is engendered
through doing tasks
solely
. In fact, working part-time is the best way to gain experience and become independent.
For example
, my kid brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work in several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
including teacher, accountant, and salesperson
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
when he was at high school. He faced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties in finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, choosing between two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and spending his income
frugally
. He consulted with our parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
finally
, he decided
independently
about the possible solutions of his problems. Reaching pleasant results in his decisions made him more independent and ready for his future life.

Another
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
that part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
provides for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
is to learn
If 'learn' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to communicate".
communicating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
gained in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
environment are
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from what they experience at school. The common relationship among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at school is friendship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at work they face with several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with diverse positions.
For instance
, the way that they should talk to their boss is completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from what happens among friends or teachers and students. They learn not to poke fun at their colleagues and managers, to respect the consumers, and to defer to the managers and experts.
Hence
, working part-time teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
dimension of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

By and large, if one assesses the effects of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
realizes that the best way for parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
succeed in the future life is to exhort them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an occupation. In fact, working in lower ages brings independence and better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them ready for their adulthood.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO24 – Independent: A/D? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them take a part time job v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts