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Do you agree or with the following statement? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v.1

One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1
From my vantage point nurture of children should be one of the most priority of parents. Parents should assist their child to prepare for their future accurately. A controversial question that arises among people is whether parents should encourage their children to take a part-time job. Some people think that children will get many advantages from part-time jobs. Besides, they will be successful in their future job because of this experience. The other people disagree with this view and they think that teenagers should play or study and it is not necessary for them to have a part-time job. In my opinion, the former is more convincing because of two crucial reasons. In what follows, I will pinpoint my causes. The first noteworthy reason is that children understand the value of money and they do not spend it easily. To clear this reason, I exemplify my personal experience. When I was a teenager, I worked at the restaurant. I was a waitress and sometimes washed the dishes. It was very hard and I understood that it is arduous to get money. Unlikely, when I acquire money from my parents I did not think this way. Hence, I saved my money most of the time and I hardly bought anything with my money. Therefore, it is important for teenagers to know the value of money. The second reason which comes to my mind is that children will be adopted if they have a part-time job. A group of scientists at Harvard University has investigated two types of teenagers for about 20 years. The first type contained children who worked part-time and the second type was a student who stayed at home and just played the game or studied. The scientists declare that the first group got more successful in their lives in comparison to the second group. The first group found a job as soon as they graduated from high school, but the second group remained unemployed for about one year after their graduation. In short, all of the reasons, which mentioned above, lead us to the conclusion that parents should encourage their child to have a part-time job because children understand the value of money and get the skill.
From my vantage point nurture of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be one of the most priority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should assist their child to prepare for their future
accurately
. A controversial question that arises among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to take a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
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children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages from part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Besides
, they will be successful in their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
because of this
experience. The other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
disagree with this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
view and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
should play or study and it is not necessary for them to have a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. In my opinion, the former is more convincing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of two crucial
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reasons
. In what follows, I will pinpoint my causes.

The
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first
noteworthy
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reason
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
understand the value of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they do not spend it
easily
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, I exemplify my personal experience. When I was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
, I worked at the restaurant. I was a waitress and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
washed the dishes. It was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and I understood that it is arduous to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Unlikely, when I acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
I did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this way.
Hence
, I saved my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
most of the time and I hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
anything with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to know the value of money.

The second
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reason
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to my mind is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be adopted
if they have a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of scientists at Harvard University has investigated two types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
for about 20 years. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
type contained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who worked part-time and the second type was a student who stayed at home and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
played the game or studied. The scientists declare that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
more successful in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in comparison
to the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
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first
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group
found a
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job
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as they graduated from high school,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
remained unemployed for about one year after their graduation.

In short,
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
, which mentioned above, lead us to the conclusion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage their child to have a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
369 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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