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TPO24- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v.1

TPO24- One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1
Nowadays, no one can deny the importance of preparing children for living in the future as the adults. Some people may hold the opinion that it is better to encourage teenage children to take part-time job because they will be more prepare for adult life. But others have a negative attitude. As far as I am concerned, obviously, if you let your child to experiences part-time job, this decision brings more responsibilties, wider knowledge and higher communication skills. My reasons and samples listed more precisely below and will demonstrate my point according to the most common viewpoints. First let us look what a teenage can typically gain from a working. Doing job needs responsibility while playing in the house does not need responsibility. It goes without saying that, people in adult life confront with many difficulties and problems that they have to solve these problems solely. Although there are other people that one adult can uses their helps, anyone needs enough responsibility to deal with difficalties with his own ability because it is his problem not other' s problem. There is also a more subtle point we must consider. In fact, children by study in the schools only learn theorical facts and it is not sufficient for them in the modern life. Needless to say, if the student engages in one part-time job, he has a good opportunity to be femiliar with many other ideas and concepts that will be useful for him. Finally, I cannot oversee the fact that working out of house also means having more communications with other people. To shed more light on the issue, according to the result of the study done in Tehran University, Adults who had a job during their childhood have more ability in communicate with other peoples because when they had to work as a worker in their childhood, they need to be relate with many peoples. So, in the adulthood they have better life than who does not participate in any job. Drawing upon the reasons, although there are always some esceptions which are excluded from the general rule, I do agree that the benefits of encouraging childern to take a part-time job are very considerable. Thus I advice everyone who has a child, encourage him to works part-time.
Nowadays, no one can deny the importance of preparing children for living in the future as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may hold the opinion that it is better to encourage teenage children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will be more prepare for adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
others have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitude. As far as I
am concerned
,
obviously
, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
your child to experiences part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, this decision brings more
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsibilties
, wider knowledge and higher communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. My reasons and samples listed more
precisely
below and will demonstrate my point according to the most common viewpoints.

First
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us look what a teenage can
typically
gain from a working. Doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
responsibility while playing in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
responsibility. It goes without saying that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
confront with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties and problems that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
solve these problems
solely
. Although there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that one adult can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "use"
uses
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
, anyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
responsibility to deal with
Possible spelling mistake found.
difficalties
with his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ability
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is his problem not
Possible spelling mistake found.
other&
#039; s problem.

There is
also
a more subtle point we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider. In fact, children by study in the schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
learn
Possible spelling mistake found.
theorical
facts and it is not sufficient for them in the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Needless to say, if the student engages in one part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, he has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to be
Possible spelling mistake found.
femiliar
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and concepts that will be useful for him.

Finally
, I cannot oversee the fact that working out of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
also
means having more communications with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To shed more light on the issue, according to the result of the study done in Tehran University,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Adults
who had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
during their childhood have more ability in communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when they had to work as a worker in their childhood, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "related".
relate
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, in the adulthood they have better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
than who does not participate in any job.

Drawing upon the reasons, although there are always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
esceptions
which
are excluded
from the general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the benefits of encouraging
Possible spelling mistake found.
childern
to take a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
considerable.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I
Did you mean "advise" (verb) instead of advice (noun)?
advice
everyone who has a child, encourage him to works part-time.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO24- One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
379 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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