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TPO24(independent)Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v.1

TPO24(independent) One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1
It is acknowledged that progress of a community contributes to a healthy lifestyle. Due to this reason few have a notion that financial growth is crucial for the development of a territory, but others have strongly believed that only money is not enough for the betterment. Other elements such as surroundings, health also are imperative for the progression of an area. I will explain these parts in following paragraphs before making my point of view, and reaching to a logical conclusion. To begin with, there are those who agree to go with monetary to build up a successful tribe, in which they trust on financial advancement that can raise the level of a province. For instance, a society who carries huge funds in their banks can buy anything for their people like as food, clothing, shelter, luxurious lifestyle as well as can establish big business companies. Therefore this believe make these people confident that an economic development contributes to a healthy tribe. However, other factors also should be brought under the attention that are indispensable for the evolution of a society. Firstly, the most important point is education that cannot be ignored. Education is an integral part in the overall growth and development of an individual also a country. A literate has bundle of knowledge and experience to bring better solution for the advancement of a nation. For example, an educated person has studied in different kind of fields and also got lots of experience by utilizing this information. This person can create awareness among others too. Moreover, a chief among these one is healthy environment that cannot be ignored for the progress of a country. An environment free from pollution lead to a healthy living standards consequently less expenses on medications and hospitals fee, in this case people stays away from health concerns like as lung problems, heart attacks, cancer that can lead to a blooming community. After considering this, it can be viewed that these elements have a crucial position to establish an advanced state. In conclusion, after strong arguments on these factors, it can be noted that only monetary aid cannot undermine the importance of other factors that are education, health, environment to raise a prosper tribe.
It
is acknowledged
that progress of a community contributes to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle. Due to this reason few have a notion that financial growth is crucial for the development of a territory,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others have
strongly
believed that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
money is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for the betterment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
elements such as surroundings, health
also
are imperative for the progression of an area. I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
these parts in following paragraphs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making my point of view, and reaching to a logical conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
monetary to build up a successful tribe, in which they trust on financial advancement that can raise the level of a province.
For instance
, a society who carries huge funds in their banks can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like as food, clothing, shelter, luxurious lifestyle
as well
as can establish
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
The verb 'believe' is plural. Did you mean: "this believes"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this believe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
confident that an economic development contributes to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
tribe.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors
also
should
be brought
under the attention that are indispensable for the evolution of a society.
Firstly
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
point is education that cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. Education is an integral part in the
overall
growth and development of an individual
also
a country. A literate has bundle of knowledge and experience to bring better solution for the advancement of a nation.
For example
, an educated person has studied in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of fields and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
lots of experience by utilizing this information. This person can create awareness among others too.

Moreover
, a chief among these one is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
environment that cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
for the progress of a country. An environment free from pollution lead to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
living
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "standard"?
standards
consequently
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun expenses is countable.
less
expenses on medications and hospitals fee,
in this case
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
stays
away from health concerns like as lung problems, heart attacks, cancer that can lead to a blooming community. After considering this, it can
be viewed
that these elements have a crucial position to establish an advanced state.

In conclusion
, after strong arguments on these factors, it can
be noted
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
monetary aid cannot undermine the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors that are education, health, environment to raise
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'prosper' is correct. If 'prosper' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a prosper
tribe.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay TPO24(independent) One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
370 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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