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TPO21 – Independent: A/D? For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. v.2

TPO21 – Independent: A/D? For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. v. 2
There are several approaches to succeed in a business - including social relationship, knowledge, experience, and the like. In my vantage point, the ability of relating well to people in your future job will bring in prosperity because you can persuade your customers and have a teamwork. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on my perspective. The first reason that immediately comes to mind is that the relationship is useful to interact with the customers much better. That is to say, any company provides some services or goods that the producer needs to communicate with the customers to urge them buying the products. Even the relationship between the salesperson and the consumers is considered an important factor in marketing schools and several methods are developed to improve this relationship. Furthermore, the interaction is not limited only to customers, but the co-workers. In fact, the better the colleagues communicate, the more the business prospers because they work as a team that leads to better results in the job. An empirical study comparing two groups of people doing one work indicates that the people who helped each other finished the job sooner and gained much better results in comparison to the group of people who did the job solely. Therefore, good communication can affect the group work and make the business succeed. Admittedly, studying hard plays an important role in prospering in a future job because you need to have enough knowledge in your major to do your tasks. For example, you need to learn about accounting, investment, and finance in school if you are working as a financial manager of a company. However, I still believe that good relationship outweighs studying hard in school to succeed in your job because a good communication can makes you use your information efficiently. By and large, the ability to express yourself to people can improve a business achievements because it encourages the consumers to purchase the goods and services produced by the company and leads to a teamwork among staff which, in turn, causes successful job results.
There are several approaches to succeed in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
including social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
, knowledge, experience, and the like. In my vantage point, the ability of relating well to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in your future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will bring in prosperity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you can persuade your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
and have a teamwork. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate on my perspective.

The
first
reason that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
is useful to interact with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
.
That is
to say, any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
services or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
that the producer needs to communicate with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
to urge them buying the products. Even the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
between the salesperson and the consumers
is considered
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor in marketing schools and several methods
are developed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this relationship.

Furthermore
, the interaction is not limited
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
customers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the co-workers. In fact, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
the colleagues communicate, the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
prospers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they work as a team that leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
results in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. An empirical study comparing two groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
doing one work indicates that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
each other finished the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sooner and gained much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
results
in comparison
to the group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who did the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
solely
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
communication can affect the group work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
succeed.

Admittedly
, studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in prospering in
a future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
you need to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge in your major to do your tasks.
For example
, you need to learn about accounting, investment, and finance in school if you are working as a financial manager of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
However
, I
still
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
outweighs studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in school to succeed in your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
communication can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "make"
makes
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
your information
efficiently
.

By and large, the ability to express yourself to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "achievement"?
achievements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it encourages the consumers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
and services produced by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and leads to a teamwork among staff which, in turn, causes successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
results.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO21 – Independent: A/D? For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
344 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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