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TPO 52Do you agree or disagree? The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v.4

TPO 52 The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v. 4
Throughout history, in all society, there have been some rules, which all of their residents had to follow them. This issue whether or not that in the present time, the societies’ rule have become more severe, has engendered copious controversies among people. Although a certain conclusion cannot be made, I, to a great extent, hold this viewpoint that young adults are not restricted by rules. Among countless reasons, which can vindicate my point of view, I will mention the two most conspicuous ones. The first reason that juts out of my mind easily at the first moment of thinking about this issue is the fact that nowadays, adolescents have more freedom rather than the past. In other words, they can choose their religion, their jobs, and many other similar subjects by themselves and without invention of others. To make a tangible example, in the past, each nation had a tyrant master or king, and all individuals had to obey his laws, which were highly tough. Furthermore, if a person did not pursue those rules, he or she had to endure some hard punishments. Therefore, human being who lived in the past, were tightly limited by a great deal of unfair regulations. As it is clear, people, especially young adults, have the chance to behave more independently nowadays. The second and equally exquisite proof for this assertion is about this importance that all parents are aware of this matter that the technology is flourishing very fast. Since juniors have a hosts of communication ways with other individuals all over the world, they cannot be limited by rules, and their parents just can give them some advice in order to guide them. For instance, a research that has been conducted by some scientists in my country has shown that almost 90 percent of young adults are following at least two celebrities through the social networks such as Instagram, Facebook and so forth. Sine such people have an influential and tremendous impact on adolescents, if children pursue someone with unsuitable behavior(u), they may lose their precious time. Hence, it is vitally important for young people to be advised by their parents. Therefore, the more progression in technology, the more freedom in the young adults’ lives. To make a long story short, based on the aforementioned arguments, we may draw the conclusion that laws, which the young have to obey them, are not strict. This contention is due to this importance that not only do they decide for their lives freely, but also because of the accessibility of communication instruments it is not possible to limit them. Therefore, they are not confined by tough rules.
Throughout history, in all society, there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
, which all of their residents had to follow them. This issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
that in the present time, the societies’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rule
have become more severe, has engendered copious controversies among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although a certain conclusion cannot
be made
, I, to a great extent, hold this viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are not restricted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
. Among countless reasons, which can vindicate my point of view, I will mention the two most conspicuous ones.

The
first
reason that juts out of my mind
easily
at the
first
moment of thinking about this issue is the fact that nowadays, adolescents have more freedom
rather
than the past. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they can choose their religion, their jobs, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
similar subjects by themselves and without invention of others. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a tangible example, in the past, each nation had a tyrant master or king, and all individuals had to obey his laws, which were
highly
tough.
Furthermore
, if a person did not pursue those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
, he or she had to endure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
punishments.
Therefore
, human being who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in the past, were
tightly
limited by a great deal of unfair regulations. As it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, have the chance to behave more
independently
nowadays.

The second and
equally
exquisite proof for this assertion is about this importance that all parents are aware of this matter that the technology is flourishing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
. Since juniors have
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a host" or simply "hosts"?
a hosts
of communication ways with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
individuals all over the world, they cannot
be limited
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
, and their parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
can give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advice in order to guide them.
For instance
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
that has
been conducted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
scientists in my country has shown that almost 90 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are following at least two celebrities through the social networks such as Instagram, Facebook and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth. Sine such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have an influential and tremendous impact on adolescents, if children pursue someone with unsuitable behavior(u), they may lose their precious time.
Hence
, it is
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
be advised
by their parents.
Therefore
, the more progression in technology, the more freedom in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, based on the aforementioned arguments, we may draw the conclusion that laws, which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
obey them, are not strict. This contention is due to this importance that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they decide for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
freely
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the accessibility of communication instruments it is not possible to limit them.
Therefore
, they are not confined by tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
.
20Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay TPO 52 The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
441 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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