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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money v.781

Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money v. 781
Money is one of the important aspects-if it is not the most important one- of any person’s life. Everyone needs money to satisfy his/her basic demands of surviving in the first place and in next places everyone likes money to make himself/herself a luxury life. The vast majority of people are of the opinion that most of the businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for money. I personally contend that while money is one of the motivations, there are other ones as well which cannot be denied due to their importance. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the most conspicuous reasons and examples. One of the reasons coming to mind at first is that businesspeople have the desire for fame. There are many people all around the world whose main desire is fame not money. That is why many people name their offices or careers after their names. They also do this because they want to be sure that their name remains as long as the business remains even after their death. To be honest, it will have a nice feeling when he/she knows that he/she is famous everywhere. For example, the car company Ford is named after its owner. Although the original Ford is dead, the name is steel well known all over the world. Another equally noteworthy reason is that business people want to help people by providing job opportunities. Business people have to employ a great number of people in their offices. For big companies which have branches everywhere, there are many offices and many positions which people can be employed in. Beside, after business people earn enough amount of money, they usually start other careers such as factories, so more job opportunities will be provided. As an example, a businessman in my city have established a dairy factory from the benefits of his business and provided people of the area lots of job opportunities. On the other hand, money is also an important factor. Scarcely a person is found who does not work for money. All people around have found a job in order to earn money. Businesspeople are not out of this crowd. Actually, every job due to its nature has an income which differs from any other job. The money which businesspeople make is more than many people who have other jobs but it is not a good reason to prove that money is the only desire for business people. As mentioned before, it is one of the desires, but not the only one. To wrap it up, all the aforementioned reasons and examples lead us to the conclusion that although money is one important motivation for every businessman/woman, it is not the only desire. There are some other positive desires such as making job opportunities as well. However, that was a story in a nutshell. There are a plethora of other points which are not mentioned above due to the dearth of time. Finally it is suggested that a survey be conducted to bear out which of the assumptions about main desire of businesspeople is of the most accuracy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
aspects-if it is not the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
one- of any person’s life. Everyone needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to satisfy his/her basic demands of surviving in the
first
place and in
next
places everyone likes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
himself/herself a luxury life. The vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that most of the businesspeople
are motivated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I
personally
contend that while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is one of the motivations, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ones
as well
which cannot
be denied
due to their importance. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the most conspicuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
and examples.

One of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
coming to mind at
first
is that businesspeople have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
for fame. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all around the world whose main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
is fame not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
That is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
name
their offices or careers after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
names
. They
also
do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to be sure that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
name
remains as long as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
remains even after their death. To be honest, it will have a nice feeling when he/she knows that he/she is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
everywhere.
For example
, the car
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
Ford
is named
after its owner. Although the original Ford is dead, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
name
is steel well known all over the world.

Another
equally
noteworthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
employ a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their offices. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which have branches everywhere, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
offices and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
positions which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be employed
in. Beside, after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
careers such as factories,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities will
be provided
. As an example, a businessman in my city have established a dairy factory from the benefits of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the area lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
also
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
factor.
Scarcely
a person
is found
who does not work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around have found a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in order to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Businesspeople are not out of this crowd. Actually, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
due to its nature has an income which differs from any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which businesspeople
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
is more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to prove that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, it is one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desires
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
one.

To wrap it up, all the aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
and examples lead us to the conclusion that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
motivation for every businessman/woman, it is not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desires
such as making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities
as well
.
However
, that was a story in a nutshell. There are a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
points which are not mentioned above due to the dearth of time.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
it
is suggested
that a survey
be conducted
to bear out which of the assumptions about main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
of businesspeople is of the most accuracy.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
72Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money v. 781

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
519 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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