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TPO 51- Q6Using the example of baboons from the lecture, explain two ways in which display behavior can help animals maintain group unity. v.1

TPO 51- Q6Using the example of baboons from the lecture, explain two ways in which display behavior can help animals maintain group unity. v. 1
People hold different views about whether the government should shoulder the responsibility of preserving the environment or each person is a responsible one. From my standpoint, it will be more beneficial if both the country’s authorities and individuals share the responsibility. On the one hand, the government may play a pivotal role in maintaining the environment safe and healthy. It is authorities that should introduce the legislation to mitigate environmental problems, such as air pollution and more. To illustrate, there should be some laws encouraging factories to move to the countrysides rather than staying in the cities. This could help urban areas to be further protected from the poisonous fumes, which are always discharged from firms. Another prominent role the government could play would be creating TV programs to educate citizens and to persuade them to care nature more. Being informed of the consequences of their activities, individuals may endeavour to alter their ways, to avoid harming the environment. On the other hand, it is undeniable that each person can play an important role in protecting their neighbourhood. Cars are considered to be a major source of air pollution. Their exhaust gases contaminate the air, ranging from carbon dioxide to carbon. Therefore, by using their vehicles only in rare cases, people would be able to protect the environment. Another opportunity available to individuals is recycling. By stopping plastic waste from entering and contaminating waterways people can conserve drinkable water and its inhabitants. In conclusion, due to a large amount of work involved, mobilising all the possible forces is a more sensible approach. It is, therefore, likely that the joint efforts of both the governments and their citizens would result in the most effective way of preserving the environment.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should shoulder the responsibility of preserving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
or each person is a responsible one. From my standpoint, it will be more beneficial if both the country’s authorities and individuals share the responsibility.

On the one hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
may play a pivotal role in maintaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
safe and healthy. It is authorities that should introduce the legislation to mitigate environmental problems, such as air pollution and more. To illustrate, there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
laws encouraging factories to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the countrysides
rather
than staying in the cities. This could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
urban areas to be
further
protected from the poisonous fumes, which are always discharged from firms. Another prominent role the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could play would be creating TV programs to educate citizens and to persuade them to care nature more.
Being informed
of the consequences of their activities, individuals may
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to alter their ways, to avoid harming the environment.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that each person can play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in protecting their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
. Cars
are considered
to be a major source of air pollution. Their exhaust gases contaminate the air, ranging from carbon dioxide to carbon.
Therefore
, by using their vehicles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in rare cases,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would be able to protect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
. Another opportunity available to individuals is recycling. By stopping plastic waste from entering and contaminating waterways
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can conserve drinkable water and its inhabitants.

In conclusion
, due to a large amount of work involved,
Possible spelling mistake. 'mobilising' is British English.
mobilising
all the possible forces is a more sensible approach. It is,
therefore
, likely that the joint efforts of both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and their citizens would result in the most effective way of preserving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 51- Q6Using the example of baboons from the lecture, explain two ways in which display behavior can help animals maintain group unity. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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