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TPO 5, Task 2: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v.1

TPO 5, Task 2: People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v. 1
It is certainly true that young one's are more inclined towards fashion and spend their leisure time on various shops for shopping. I believe that younger's should indulge in other activities in order to pass their day. This essay will consider further viewpoint in the subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, there are plethoras of reasons why young generations are more driven towards shopping in their free moment. First and foremost, as big shopping complex offers myriad of services, younger's spend their free time on these lucrative services. To explain, children play areas, cafe and brand shops can be accessed for recreational activities. For instance, A research conducted by University of Western Sydney revealed that Westfield has become one of the recreational centres for the young one's where they can spend their free day. Nevertheless, there are certain other activities where younger's can spare their free hour. Primarily, sports and the arts are the prominent way in order to get rid of boredom and indulge such creative activities engrosses them to spend their leisure time. To substantiate, sports such as basketball, tennis and volleyball and arts work helps them to pass their time so that they learn about their hidden talent as well as know the value of time. To exemplify, some of the students start art classes during their spare time that definitely assist in the future. To conclude, it can be said that although spending moment by doing shopping has become a trend among the young generation, there is a dire need to participate in other activities that aid to become self-conscious.
It is
certainly
true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
Did you mean the plural instead of the possessive?
one's
are more inclined towards fashion and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on various shops for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. I believe that younger's should indulge in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to pass their day. This essay will consider
further
viewpoint in the subsequent paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
Possible spelling mistake found.
plethoras
of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generations are more driven towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
moment.
First
and foremost, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complex offers myriad of services,
Consider using the plural form here: "youngers".
younger's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on these lucrative services. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
, children play areas,
'cafe' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "café"
cafe
and brand shops can
be accessed
for recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For instance
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
conducted by University of Western Sydney revealed that Westfield has become one of the recreational
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
Consider using the plural form here: "ones".
one's
where they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
day.

Nevertheless
, there are certain other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
where younger's can spare their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
hour.
Primarily
, sports and the arts are the prominent way in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of boredom and indulge such creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
engrosses them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. To substantiate, sports such as basketball, tennis and volleyball and arts work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to pass their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they learn about their hidden talent
as well
as know the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. To exemplify,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
art classes during their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that definitely assist in the future.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
To
conclude, it can
be said
that although spending moment by doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has become a trend among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation, there is a dire need to participate in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that aid to become self-conscious.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
Language is wine upon the lips. – Virginia WoolfInspirational quotes for language learners
Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay TPO 5, Task 2: People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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