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TPO 5, Task 2: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v.3

TPO 5, Task 2: People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v. 3
That people today spend too much time on leisure activities is an undeniable fact. If we take a closer look at the people' s lifestyle today, it is plain that they value pleasure more than anything else. Some persons agree with this fact; others disagree. From my vantage point, I support the viewpoint that people spend most of their time on personal enjoyment and their favorite activities for the following two significant reasons. To begin with, due to increasingly busy and stressful lifestyle, I believe that leisure activities have gained more attention in the last decades. After a long working day, everyone prefer to spend doing things they like and attend personal enjoyment. A vivid example can be given to shed light on what was elaborated above; when I was at university, I used to go to university early in the morning and work at the laboratory. Unbelievably, there were always numerous experiments waiting for me to conduct, so I had to work very hard. In the evenings, when I came back home, I was so frustrated. Personal enjoyment and my favorite activities were the only things that could relieve me and aid me to relax. Not for a second, I asked myself what I should do or what should not do, even though I had to do homework or do laundry and cooking. Besides the above-mentioned reason, negative effects of social media could be cited here as another reason in support of my viewpoint. Obviously, advertisements comprise a major part of social media, which its effect on people is plain for everyone. These advertisements only depict luxuries and extravagant lifestyles, and are focused on pleasure and enjoyment. Why is that? Because everyone want to be happy and enjoy his or her time. Actually, company managers use this basic human need to make more profit by persuading people to buy their materials, which gives them more pleasure and personal enjoyment. For example, they advertise fast-modern cars, but they do not advertise that they should not burn too much gas regarding the environmental problems. In the final glance, government policies play a major role in individuals' passion for personal enjoyment. The veracity of this claim can be evaluated through a meticulous observation on the mass of examples; before 1940, United States and Canada officials decided to pass a new law allowing people to have sex freely with anyone they desire. What was the result? More and more people spend their time on personal enjoyment. Quite the opposite, after 1940, they realized that this law is destroying the families. The marriage rate dropped significantly. Hence, they are putting values on family nowadays in social media such as movies, television shows, and on the internet. Therefore, politics plays a very substantial role. All in all, although some sophisticated people may prove the otherwise, I am still after the point that personal enjoyment is more important for people these days.
That
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is an undeniable fact. If we take a closer look at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s lifestyle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, it is plain that they value pleasure more than anything else.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
persons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this fact; others disagree. From my vantage point, I support the viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
and their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for the following two significant reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, due to
increasingly
busy and stressful lifestyle, I believe that leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have gained more attention in the last decades. After a long working day, everyone
The pronoun 'everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "prefers", "preferred".
prefer
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
doing things they like and attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
. A vivid example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to shed light on what
was elaborated
above; when I was at university, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to university early in the morning and work at the laboratory.
Unbelievably
, there were always numerous experiments waiting for me to conduct,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I had to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
. In the evenings, when I came back home, I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
frustrated.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
and my favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
were the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
things that could relieve me and aid me to relax. Not for a second, I asked myself what I should do or what should not do,
even though
I had to do homework or do laundry and cooking.

Besides
the above-mentioned reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of social media could
be cited
here as another reason in support of my viewpoint.
Obviously
, advertisements comprise a major part of social media, which its effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is plain for everyone. These advertisements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
depict luxuries and extravagant lifestyles, and
are focused
on pleasure and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
. Why is that?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
everyone
The pronoun 'everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "wants", "wanted".
want
to be happy and enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Actually,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
managers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this basic human need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more profit by persuading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their materials, which gives them more pleasure and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
.
For example
, they advertise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-modern cars,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not advertise that they should not burn too much gas regarding the environmental problems.

In the final glance,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policies play a major role in
Possible spelling mistake found.
individuals&
#039; passion for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
. The veracity of this claim can
be evaluated
through a meticulous observation on the mass of examples;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
1940, United States and Canada officials decided to pass a new law allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have sex
freely
with anyone they desire. What was the result? More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
. Quite the opposite, after 1940, they realized that this law is destroying the families. The marriage rate dropped
significantly
.
Hence
, they are putting values on family nowadays in social media such as movies, television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, and on the internet.
Therefore
, politics plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
substantial role.

All in all, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sophisticated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may prove the
otherwise
, I am
still
after the point that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay TPO 5, Task 2: People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
486 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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