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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v.454

People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v. 454
That personal enjoyment and entertainment is an important part of our life, is an undeniable fact. Everyone enjoys certain activities and prefers to do them to relax and enjoy the life. There are two distinct schools of thought about the above-mentioned statement: some persons agree that nowadays personal enjoyment has gained more attention, and people prefer to do their favorite activities instead of doing what they should; others disagree. From my perspective, I disagree with the statement and here are my justifications. To begin with, nowadays, life has become increasingly busy and stressful. Therefore, most people do not have enough time for leisure activities. The veracity of this claim can be evaluated through a meticulous observation on the mass of examples; when I was at college, I used to go to university early in the morning and work at the laboratory until late in the evening. Every day, numerous experiments were waiting for me to accomplish them; hence, I had to work hard and I rarely found free time to attend my favorite activities. In the evening, when I came back home, I was so frustrated and I just wanted to go to bed and sleep. Another good instance is my father. He has two jobs and works almost sixty hours per week. Due to his heavy workload, we rarely manage to go out together or attend any social activity such as party or theater. Besides the above-mentioned reason, I believe that it is in the nature of life that sometimes, we should do a certain task or activity that we are not interested in. For me, I dislike going to dentist each month for a checkup. What’s more, in some scenarios, money is a limitation, which enforces us to do things we do not enjoy. For example, my father is not interested in working hard for long hours; but life expectancy enforces him to do so. Many people like to drive the last model of Ferrari; nevertheless, a large number of them drive a mediocre car. In addition, countless students, including me, do not prefer to live away from home and family; however, in order to achieve our goal and become a successful member of society and family, many students decide to get along with this issue and live and study abroad. As a result, individuals do what they should do instead of what they desire to do. All in all, although other sophisticated people may prove the otherwise, I still support my position based on the reasons explained in the body paragraphs. I reiterate that, because of various life circumstances, many people spend time doing what they should do, instead of doing their desirable activities.
That personal enjoyment and entertainment is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, is an undeniable fact. Everyone enjoys certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and prefers to do them to relax and enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. There are two distinct schools of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about the above-mentioned statement:
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that nowadays personal enjoyment has gained more attention, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to do their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
instead
of doing what they should; others disagree. From my perspective, I disagree with the statement and here are my justifications.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has become
increasingly
busy and stressful.
Therefore
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. The veracity of this claim can
be evaluated
through a meticulous observation on the mass of examples; when I was at college, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to university early in the morning and work at the laboratory until late in the evening. Every day, numerous experiments were waiting for me to accomplish them;
hence
, I had to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and I rarely found free time to attend my favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In the evening, when I came back home, I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
frustrated and I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
wanted to go to bed and sleep. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
instance is my father. He has two jobs and works almost sixty hours per week. Due to his heavy workload, we rarely manage to go out together or attend any social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
such as party or theater.

Besides
the above-mentioned reason, I believe that it is in the nature of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, we should do a certain task or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
that we are not interested in. For me, I dislike going to dentist each month for a checkup. What’s more, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
scenarios, money is a limitation, which enforces us to do things we do not enjoy.
For example
, my father is not interested in working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for long hours;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy enforces him to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to drive the last model of Ferrari;
nevertheless
,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
them drive a mediocre car.
In addition
, countless students, including me, do not prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
away from home and family;
however
, in order to achieve our goal and become a successful member of society and family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along with this issue and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and study abroad.
As a result
, individuals do what they should do
instead
of what they desire to do.

All in all, although other sophisticated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may prove the
otherwise
, I
still
support my position based on the reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the body paragraphs. I reiterate that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
circumstances,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend time doing what they should do,
instead
of doing their desirable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay People now spend much of their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like, instead of doing what they should. v. 454

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
447 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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