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TPO 45- independent writing taskDo you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives. Use s v.1

TPO 45- independent writing task In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives. Use s v. 1
In current time, there are two different opinions, one of which is that job experience is the most crucial factor to be succeed, and the other of which is that it is possible that people can success in their field without the career of occupation. But I personally believe that it is hard to ignore people's work experience if they eager for prosperity. On the one hand, it is partly true that people should study the course that they want to be for several years to be succeed in their business ground. As widely reported, most CEOs or experts who have a fame or privileged in their field have attended the college, and learned in-depth discipline for their future. And also, numerous big enterprises deserve new employees who are the bachelor holder from well-known universities. So, if people wish to be successful workers or earn an amount of money as a specialist, it would be better they should learn their field deeply and profoundly. Nevertheless, I am firmly of the opinion that job experience is an inevitably pivotal factor, if individuals want to be specialists in their business areas. In the first place, career makes people easier to move their vocation toward more renowned and recognized company. For instance, if he or she works at small B&B in the downtown, but they have efficient skills and experiences, they could apply to the Marriott hotel where the famous accommodation in the world and seeking a lot of professional hoteliers, and even they could be worked in such a hotel by proving their experience of work. Another point worth mentioning is that the majority of triumphant people spending a lot of time in practicing their field since when they much younger, which means that even winners who are current successful workers started their job the most earlier, naturally leading to achieve their success in that they had gone through various struggled situations. So they are highly likely to grow to have a rich variety of knowledge of their fields. In conclusion, there are still debating whether career of profession is the most pivotal aspect and to be triumphant experts or not. But I firmly am convinced that without the job experiences, it is difficult to be hired job opportunities by the firms, and even they cannot seriously likely to be a successful.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
time, there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, one of which is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is the most crucial factor to be
Consider using a past participle here: "succeeded".
succeed
, and the other of which is that it is possible that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can success in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
without the career of occupation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
personally
believe that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
if they eager for prosperity.

On the one hand, it is partly true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should study the course that they want to be for several years to be
Consider using a past participle here: "succeeded".
succeed
in their business ground. As
widely
reported, most CEOs or experts who have a fame or privileged in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
have attended the college, and learned in-depth discipline for their future. And
also
, numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
enterprises deserve new employees who are the bachelor holder from well-known universities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wish to be successful workers or earn an amount of money as a specialist, it would be better they should learn their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
deeply
and
profoundly
.

Nevertheless
, I am
firmly
of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is an
inevitably
pivotal factor, if individuals want to be specialists in their business areas. In the
first
place, career
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
easier to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their vocation toward more renowned and recognized
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
For instance
, if he or she works at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
B&B in the downtown,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have efficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
, they could apply to the Marriott hotel where the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
accommodation in the world and seeking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
professional hoteliers, and even they could
be worked
in such a hotel by proving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
of work. Another point worth mentioning is that the majority of triumphant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time in practicing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
since when they much younger, which means that even winners who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
successful workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
the
Use only "earlier" (without 'most') when you use the comparative.
most earlier
,
naturally
leading to achieve their success in that they had gone through various struggled situations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they are
highly
likely to grow to have a rich variety of knowledge of their fields.

In conclusion
, there are
still
debating whether career of profession is the most pivotal aspect and to be triumphant experts or not.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
firmly
am convinced
that without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
, it is difficult to
be hired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities by the firms, and even they cannot
seriously
likely to be
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a successful
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 45- independent writing task In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives. Use s v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
390 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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