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The table below shows the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The table below shows the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999.
Most people see computers as being more of an obstruction than help. Many believe the human ability has greatly increased by PC. This essay examines how computers could be regarded as a hindrance. First of all, Firstly, people become overly dependent on computers. For instance, In the past, students had to go to the library to write articles, to search and look up books if they need to write an essay or researched before exams. For Instead, students today, simply want to look for information on the Internet quickly and don't pay sufficient attention to the origin of that information. As long as the information appears to be appropriate, it will only be copied and assigned to its tasks. The biggest obstacle will probably be special for teachers, some teachers when creating assignments to students, they need to consider between creating their topics or taking topics online so that students can easily find the answers judgements. Second of all, Computers can affect people's health, we all know that the use of electronic devices will bring some harms like autism, depression, myopia or worse, it will change Human thoughts about a problem for examle, Constant computer gaming can cause someone to value events within the game more emotionally than things happen in their real lives, They'll see everything in a particular way, and sometimes they'll have illusions and misleading thinking about it, some people become soulless and uninterested in the real world and they're just focusing on the artificial world created by computers. To conclude, Computers will be perceived from different perspectives as obstacles rather than support, but it all depends on how people use them and most importantly, they need to reduce computer misuse and dependency and they need to understand that there is another world beyond computers.
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
computers as being more of an obstruction than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe the human ability has
greatly
increased by PC. This essay examines how computers could
be regarded
as a hindrance.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become
overly
dependent on computers.
For instance
, In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
had to go to the library to write articles, to search and look up books if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to write an essay or researched
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
exams. For
Instead
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
simply
want to look for information on the Internet
quickly
and don't pay sufficient attention to the origin of that information. As long as the information appears to be appropriate, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be copied
and assigned to its tasks. The biggest obstacle will
probably
be special for teachers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
teachers when creating assignments to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to consider between creating their topics or taking topics online
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
easily
find the answers judgements.

Second of all, Computers can affect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health, we all know that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic devices will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
harms like autism, depression, myopia or worse, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
Human thoughts about a problem for
Possible spelling mistake found.
examle
, Constant computer gaming can cause someone to value
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
within the game more
emotionally
than things happen in their real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, They'll
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
everything in a particular way, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they'll have illusions and misleading thinking about it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become soulless and uninterested in the real
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
world and
they're
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focusing on the artificial world created by computers.

To conclude
, Computers will
be perceived
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives as obstacles
rather
than support,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it all depends on how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them and most
importantly
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
computer misuse and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
dependency and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to understand that there is another world beyond computers.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay The table below shows the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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