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TPO 34: Agree/Disagree: Educating children is a more difficult task today than it was in the past because they spend so much time on cellphone, online game, and social networking web site. v.2

TPO 34: Agree/Disagree: Educating children is a more difficult task today than it was in the past because they spend so much time on cellphone, online game, and social networking web site. v. 2
Education plays an indispensable role in personal development. However, whether educating children is more difficult than it was in the past is worth of some debates. From my point of view, I am in favor of the statement that teaching children today is harder than before. My statement will be substantiated by following paragraphs. First of all, it is hard for children today to concentrate on school homework or classes because of cellphones. The cellphones today are becoming smartphone, children can not only go on internet but also can play thousands kinds of game on the smartphone. Many students are playing game or using facebook in the class instead of listening to the teachers. The applications in the smartphone are designed to attract people to use and children are so easily to be addicted to using it because they have less self-control ability. Besides, a recent survey shows that the students who use facebook everyday have worse academic performance than the students don' t use it everyday. Therefore, educating students become much harder than before. In addition, the massive information on the internet make children difficult to tell what is right and what is wrong. There are so many incorrect messages on the internet and children tend to accept those messages even if those information are different to the school' s textbook. For example, there is video called " three minutes to learn the algebra" on the Youtube, children are always attracted to see this video because it is so convenient and more interesting than the textbook. However, the video teaches wrong perspective in algebra and skips a lot of important calculation. Thus, the student academic ability becomes worse than before. In conclusion, according to reasons mentioned above, I am convinced the educating children is more arduous than before based on the aspects of use of smartphone and wrong information on the internet.
Education plays an indispensable role in personal development.
However
, whether educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is more difficult than it was in the past is worth of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
debates. From my point of view, I am in favor of the statement that teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
is harder than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. My statement will
be substantiated
by following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
to concentrate on school homework or classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cellphones. The cellphones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are becoming smartphone,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
go on internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can play thousands kinds of game on the smartphone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are playing game or using
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
instead
of listening to the teachers. The applications in the smartphone
are designed
to attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
easily
to
be addicted
to using it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have less self-control ability.
Besides
, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
have worse academic performance than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.
Therefore
, educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
become much harder than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

In addition
, the massive information on the internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
what is right and what is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
incorrect messages on the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to accept those messages even if
Did you mean "this information" or "those informations"?
those information
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
school&
#039; s textbook.
For example
, there is video called
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
; three minutes to learn the
Possible spelling mistake found.
algebra&quot
; on the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are always attracted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this video
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
convenient and more interesting than the textbook.
However
, the video teaches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
perspective in algebra and skips
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
calculation.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
academic ability becomes worse than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

In conclusion
, according to reasons mentioned above, I
am convinced
the educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is more arduous than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
based on the aspects of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smartphone and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
information on the internet.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 34: Agree/Disagree: Educating children is a more difficult task today than it was in the past because they spend so much time on cellphone, online game, and social networking web site. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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