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TPO 29 - Question 1 (the first way)Which of the following jobs or careers do you think would be most rewarding? University professorEnvironmental scientistNewspaper journalistChoose one career and explain why you think it would be most rewarding. Use detai v.1

TPO 29 - Question 1 (the first way)Which of the following jobs or careers do you think would be most rewarding? University professorEnvironmental scientistNewspaper journalistChoose one career and explain why you think it would be most rewarding. Use detai v. 1
Nowadays, sports are becoming a better source to earn money, many individuals want to become athletic. A common belief is that successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important business professions. It is a controversial issue, but I would agree with the statement. This essay will explore some income source of a sportsman, and some are trade. On the one hand, players are able earn much wealth than others professionals because they have a number of income sources. First and foremost, they receive a big amount of salary from government and club. Professional players know millions of fans will watch the games. TV networks, then sell ads for cars, pizza and lots of other stuff that they show during the games. A good illustration of this is a football star Ronaldo, who is well-know player and he receives a large amount of salary from authority and clubs, as well as he is able to earn by making ads, several companies offer him for acting ads. As a consequence, it can be said that a sportsman can earn more than business man or other professionals. On the other hand, business is a popular way of developing career because it is a convenient source. Most of the prosperous people are businessmen, they do several kinds of trade in their platforms like technological trade, electronic parts and other businesses, those trades are profitable. But a businessman will not get any financial support from government after retirement. Whereas a Football star will obtain a sizeable amount of stimulus from bureaucrats. Also there is a difference between businessmen and a sportsman, that is fans, a player has a multitude of fans whereas businessmen have no plenty of fans. In conclusion, this essay discussed about some income sources of sportsman and businessmen, but it proved that players are able to earn more than businessmen. Repercussions I support to this view.
Nowadays, sports are becoming a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals want to become athletic. A common belief is that successful sports professionals can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
a great deal more money than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
professions. It is a controversial issue,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement. This essay will explore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "incomes"?
income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of a sportsman, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are trade.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are able
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
much wealth than others professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a number of income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
.
First
and foremost, they receive a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of salary from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and club. Professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
know millions of fans will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the games. TV networks, then sell ads for cars, pizza and lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
stuff that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
during the games. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this is a football star Ronaldo, who is well-know
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
player and
he receives a large amount of salary from authority and clubs,
as well
as he is able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
by making ads, several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
offer him for acting ads. As a consequence, it can
be said
that a sportsman can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is a popular way of developing career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
. Most of the prosperous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are businessmen, they do several kinds of trade in their platforms like technological trade, electronic parts and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, those trades are profitable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
a businessman will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any financial support from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
after retirement.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
a Football star will obtain a sizeable amount of stimulus from bureaucrats.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
there is a difference between businessmen and a sportsman,
that is
fans, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
has a multitude of fans whereas businessmen have no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of fans.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
income
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
of sportsman and businessmen,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it proved that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more than businessmen. Repercussions I support to this view.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 29 - Question 1 (the first way)Which of the following jobs or careers do you think would be most rewarding? University professorEnvironmental scientistNewspaper journalistChoose one career and explain why you think it would be most rewarding. Use detai v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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