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TPO 22 - Q2: A/D? Children should be required to learn practical skills in schools such as cooking or personal finance in addition to academic subjects. v.1

TPO 22 - Q2: A/D? Children should be required to learn practical skills in schools such as cooking or personal finance in addition to academic subjects. v. 1
Band 7. 5 IELTS essay sample There is no doubt that there is a wide range of salaries in some nations nowadays. While some people believe that extremely high remunerations are in favour of a nation, others argue that this trend does more harm than good and hence the government should put a cap on how much one can earn. In this essay I will discuss both sides of the argument and lend my support for the latter view. Those who believe that high salary packages are good for a country might support it for various reasons. Firstly, higher salaries would bring a better lifestyle to the country. This is because the money always circulates within the country and keeps changing hands. The more the money in circulation, the more the prosperity. Secondly, they might also argue that a high salary means a better job. For example, the traders in investment banks are the people who make millions of dollars every year and undoubtedly trading is one of the most attractive professions. On the other hand, I would argue that the free upward movement of salaries should be checked and controlled by the government because of the intense competition it creates along with the huge disparity of incomes in a society. Competitiveness beyond a certain point can make human life awful. This is because people get into the rat race and compare them with others rather than enjoying what they already have. Ultimately, this mentality results in stress and tension. Also, the wide range of income difference can lead to criminal activities. This is due to the fact that poor people would find it extremely difficult to earn higher salaries through legal means, and might get tempted into traps of easy money. To conclude, although the very high salaries may benefit a certain section of the society, it leads to unhealthy competition and a spurt in criminal activities. Therefore, in my opinion, the advantages of this phenomenon are outweighed by the disadvantages and it is the responsibility of the government to check it.
Band 7. 5 IELTS essay sample

There is no doubt that there is a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations nowadays. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
extremely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
remunerations are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of a nation, others argue that this trend does more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
hence
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should put a cap on how much one can earn. In this essay I will discuss both sides of the argument and lend my support for the latter view.

Those who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
packages are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for a country might support it for various reasons.
Firstly
, higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
would bring a better lifestyle to the country. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the money always circulates within the country and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
changing hands. The more the money in circulation, the more the prosperity.
Secondly
, they might
also
argue that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
means a better job.
For example
, the traders in investment banks are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
millions of dollars every year and
undoubtedly
trading is one of the most attractive professions.

On the other hand
, I would argue that the free upward movement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
and controlled by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the intense competition it creates along with the huge disparity of incomes in a society. Competitiveness beyond a certain point can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
human life awful. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the rat race and compare them with others
rather
than enjoying what they already have.
Ultimately
, this mentality results in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and tension.
Also
, the wide range of income difference can lead to criminal activities.
This is due to the fact that
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would find it
extremely
difficult to earn higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
through legal means, and might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tempted into traps of easy money.

To conclude
, although the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
may benefit a certain section of the society, it leads to unhealthy competition and a spurt in criminal activities.
Therefore
, in my opinion, the advantages of this phenomenon
are outweighed
by the disadvantages and it is the responsibility of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
it.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 22 - Q2: A/D? Children should be required to learn practical skills in schools such as cooking or personal finance in addition to academic subjects. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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