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Some people think that young ones should spend more of their free time at home with their families and less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that young ones should spend more of their free time at home with their families and less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. v. 1
Being wealthy and popular are considered as a benchmark of success in this world, because usually famous person is rich ones and the vice versa. In my point of view, it’s not just the whole picture of being successful; there are several other qualities which can make a person successful like its hard work, determination and its ability to take risks in life. Hard work is undoubtedly a key to be a triumphant man in every walk of life. Firstly, all those people who are at the top list of billionaires are hard workers first, later they got success and fame in their lives. Secondly, if they quit their path of success earlier due to laziness or fear of being unsuccessful, they would never come out with flying colours. Lastly, this point can be made more vivid by presenting an analysis of successful people all over the world which was published in the form of research articles in 'The Times' that the most persistent quality of any successful person is its ability to do work diligently. For example, Bill gates and Steve jobs are a live example of this phenomenon. Hence, if a rich or a famous person stop working laboriously, he would be at a risk of losing these things. Nothing could be achieved in this world without a firm and absolute determination. It's the passion and burning desire of a person to get the target goal which makes him running and never let him rest. It is the law of the nature that fortune smiles on the brave, so those who do not posses this quality of being courageous and strength to endure their pursuits, left behind in this race of life and never become successful. For instance, if Martin Luther left his journey incomplete without passion to achieve freedom, we would never witness a free America. Therefore, in order to be successful one has to give up procrastination and follow their goals fearlessly. In a nutshell, success cannot only be measured with a yardstick of wealth and popularity; it has other standards too, like working hard, determination and courage to get particular goals in life. So, limiting criteria of success just to one or two factors is not justified.
Being wealthy and popular
are considered
as a benchmark of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in this world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
usually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is rich ones and the vice versa. In my point of view, it’s not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the whole picture of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
; there are several other qualities which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
like its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work, determination and its ability to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
in life.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Hard
work is
undoubtedly
a key to be a triumphant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in every walk of life.
Firstly
, all those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are at the top list of billionaires are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
workers
first
, later they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and fame in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Secondly
, if they quit their path of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
earlier due to laziness or fear of being unsuccessful, they would never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out with flying
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
.
Lastly
, this point can
be made
more vivid by presenting an analysis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all over the world which
was published
in the form of research articles in 'The Times' that the most persistent quality of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is its ability to do work
diligently
.
For example
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Bill gates
and
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Steve jobs
are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
example of this phenomenon.
Hence
, if a rich or a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working
laboriously
, he would be at a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of losing these things.

Nothing could
be achieved
in this world without a firm and absolute determination. It's the passion and burning desire of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the target goal which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
him running and never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
him rest. It is the law of the nature that fortune smiles on the brave,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
those who do not posses this quality of being courageous and strength to endure their pursuits,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind in this race of life and never become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
.
For instance
, if Martin Luther
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
his journey incomplete without passion to achieve freedom, we would never witness a free America.
Therefore
, in order to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
give up procrastination and follow their goals
fearlessly
.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be measured
with a yardstick of wealth and popularity; it has other standards too, like working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, determination and courage to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
particular goals in life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, limiting criteria of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to one or two factors is not justified.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people think that young ones should spend more of their free time at home with their families and less time entertaining themselves outside, others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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