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TPO 21 q2 For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. v.2

TPO 21 q2 For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. v. 2
A large number of students work hard in the universities worldwide with wishes and plans in their mind for the future. Nowadays it is commonly accepted that having a good educational background help the people in their future jobs to be successful, contrary to this belief there are still those who argue that the social skills are essential than any other factor in order to find suitable job. However, I am inclined to believe that studying hard in the school gives a person unique options which make him perfect for the future job. The first aspect to point out is that working hard on the books make people knowledgeable. Companies always try to find some persons who have a strong background in the grads and educational achievements. They required some person who can do everything they want, so people with deep and vast knowledge and information are the best choice to be employed. Companies only think about their commercial benefits and the employers should provide them which cannot be achieved without knowledge. Another significant point which should be taken in to consideration is that studying hard effect positively on the personal characteristics of people. The persons who can bear the harsh period of exams in the universities and can get the best results should be hard worked, skillful and smart. These condition give people the characteristic to work hard in any other situation and manage the problem to get the best results, so they can be the best in the job environment as they were in the universities. Furthermore, the companies know this fact that the stupid people are good for nothing and smart ones can adapt with any situation, so with higher university’s scores people will cooperate with better companies. Finally yet importantly, with studying hard the people can continue their education toward masters or doctorate level which provide worthwhile job opportunities in the future. It is obvious in all companies that the people with higher level of education get the higher management positions. Therefore, they can compete easily with the others and get promotion in their jobs faster. On the basis of the points which are mentioned above, I am convinced that a good performance in the schools lead to more satisfaction and accomplishment in the future job and it should be noted as the main key to be successful by teenagers. Knowledge, positive characteristics and higher level of education are the main reason which can be resulted from studying hard.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
students work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
worldwide with wishes and plans in their mind for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. Nowadays it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
educational background
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to be successful, contrary to this belief there are
still
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
argue that the social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are
Use "(essential)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
essential
than any other factor in order to find suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
However
, I
am inclined
to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
in the school gives a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
unique options which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him perfect for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
job.

The
first
aspect to point out is that working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
on the books
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
knowledgeable.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
always try to find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a strong background in the grads and educational achievements. They required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can do everything they want,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with deep and vast knowledge and information are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
choice to
be employed
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their commercial benefits and the employers should provide them which cannot
be achieved
without knowledge.

Another significant point which should
be taken
in to consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
effect
positively
on the personal characteristics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can bear the harsh period of exams in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
results should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
worked, skillful and smart. These condition give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the characteristic to work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
in any other situation and manage the problem to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
results,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
environment as they were in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
know this fact that the stupid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for nothing and smart ones can adapt with any situation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
with higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university’s
scores
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will cooperate with better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
yet
importantly
, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can continue their education toward masters or doctorate level which provide worthwhile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. It is obvious in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with higher level of education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the higher management positions.
Therefore
, they can compete
easily
with the others and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotion in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
faster.

On the basis of the points which
are mentioned
above, I
am convinced
that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
performance in the schools lead to more satisfaction and accomplishment in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and it should
be noted
as the main key to be successful by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. Knowledge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
characteristics and higher level of education are the main reason which can
be resulted
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 21 q2 For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
413 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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