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TPO 16 - Question 3Student Health Services Need ImprovementThe situation at the health center is unacceptable: you sit in a crowded waiting room for hours waiting to get treatment for minor ailments. Then when it's your turn, you get about three minu v.1

TPO 16 - Question 3Student Health Services Need ImprovementThe situation at the health center is unacceptable: you sit in a crowded waiting room for hours waiting to get treatment for minor ailments. Then when it's your turn, you get about three minu v. 1
Choosing good programs to teach at school is one of the issues that most of the experts encounter with it. Some of them believe that students should take in knowledge related to work and it is necessary to reduce the number of programs related to academic knowledge. I completely disagree with the given statement on the basis of connection between academic and business and progression of next generation sciences To begin with, the main reason behind is that business has always been in correlation with academic knowledge. This means that students acquire these sorts of knowledge, which they do not think it can be utilized in career. For instance, Some of the computer scientists employ mathematic formulation on their vocation that acquire them at school. Thus, such correlations are not obvious at first by students, but they can utterly useful one day. Having said that, however, the correlation is not only main factor in this respect. Another argument is that most of the jobs are related to new technologies. Students should have a background about this knowledge from school programs. Science is in progress and new technologies are invented by academic base knowledge. For example, there if students learn fundamental information about space at the school, they will be more successful in the profession that if have a job at NASA. So, under no circumstances should we deny the role of academic base knowledge at schools on progressing of next generation sciences. To conclude, I personally take the view that it is unacceptable to leave well-rounded education to students at schools. this is mainly because a various array of jobs depend on academic knowledge in addition developing of new technologies. It would be highly recommended that school authorities invite some professional scientists to school to describe significant importance of knowledge in the work.
Choosing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
programs to teach at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is one of the issues that most of the experts encounter with it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should take in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
related to work and it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of programs related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. I completely disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement on the basis of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
and business and progression of
next
generation sciences

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the main reason behind is that business has always been in correlation with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
acquire these sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
, which they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it can
be utilized
in career.
For instance
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
computer scientists employ mathematic formulation on their vocation that acquire them at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Thus
, such correlations are not obvious at
first
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
utterly
useful one day.

Having said that,
however
, the correlation is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
main factor in this respect. Another argument is that most of the jobs
are related
to new technologies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
should have a background about this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
programs. Science is in progress and new technologies
are invented
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
base
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
For example
, there if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn fundamental information about space at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, they will be more successful in the profession
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "that if has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
that if have
a job at NASA.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, under no circumstances should we deny the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
base
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
on progressing of
next
generation sciences.

To conclude
, I
personally
take the view that it is unacceptable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
well-rounded education to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a various array of jobs
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "depends"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'depend' is not always incorrect.)
depend
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in addition
developing of new technologies. It would be
highly
recommended that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities invite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professional scientists to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
significant importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in the work.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay TPO 16 - Question 3Student Health Services Need ImprovementThe situation at the health center is unacceptable: you sit in a crowded waiting room for hours waiting to get treatment for minor ailments. Then when it's your turn, you get about three minu v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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