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The speakers discuss two possible solutions to the woman’s problem. Briefly summarize the problem. Then state which should solution you recommend and explain why. v.9

The speakers discuss two possible solutions to the woman’s problem. Briefly summarize the problem. Then state which should solution you recommend and explain why. v. 9
Whereas some argue that raising children in our modern society is harder than in old times, others claim that it is much simpler because of new inventions. In my opinion, while in the past children were not so exposed to strangers as today, raising a child nowadays is easier due to innovations in health care. First of all, innovations in health care have helped people to have proper medical care for their children. Thus, it is cheaper than ever to take care of an infant on his or her early stage of life. For example, vaccination costs dropped consistently due to recent innovations on medical methods and equipment. Consequently, child mortality has declined significantly over the past decades, especially in developing countries. On the other hand, new technologies have made easier for children to access internet. Hence, increasing the danger of exposing them to strangers. On top of that, children are easily fooled by strangers and parents are not always monitoring their access to internet as they should. For instance, a stranger can convince a child to meet him or her willing to do to the child some harm. Therefore, restricting children access to internet can mitigate this risk but will not solve the problem completely. In conclusion, while improvements in the health care system have made the task of raising a child easier, internet access presents a risk at the moment children can get in contact with strangers. Then, in my opinion the innovations in medical care systems outweigh the risk of exposing the children on internet.
Whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in our modern society is harder than in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
times, others claim that it is much simpler
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of new inventions. In my opinion, while in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
exposed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strangers
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, raising a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
nowadays is easier due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
innovations
in health care.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
innovations
in health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have proper medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thus
, it is cheaper than ever to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of an infant on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
early stage of life.
For example
, vaccination costs dropped
consistently
due to recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
innovations
on medical methods and equipment.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
mortality has declined
significantly
over the past decades,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.

On the other hand
, new technologies have made easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
internet.
Hence
, increasing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of exposing them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strangers
.
On top of that
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
easily
fooled by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strangers
and parents are not always monitoring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to internet as they should.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stranger
can convince a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
him or her willing to do to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
harm.
Therefore
, restricting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to internet can mitigate this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will not solve the problem completely.

In conclusion
, while improvements in the health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
system have made the task of raising a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
easier, internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
presents a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
at the moment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in contact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strangers
. Then, in my opinion the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
innovations
in medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
systems outweigh the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of exposing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on internet.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The speakers discuss two possible solutions to the woman’s problem. Briefly summarize the problem. Then state which should solution you recommend and explain why. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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