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TPO 15 - Question 3University Should Pave Running TrailsThe university has about three miles of unpaved dirt running trails that pass through the forest near campus. I think these trails should be paved with cement. One reason for paving the trails would v.1

TPO 15 - Question 3University Should Pave Running TrailsThe university has about three miles of unpaved dirt running trails that pass through the forest near campus. I think these trails should be paved with cement. One reason for paving the trails would v. 1
Nowadays, numerous teenagers are spending the majority of their time with their friends instead of parents. This is due to the changing technological world. In this essay, I will elaborate the reasons behind this trend change and the reasons why is it important for the mother or father to force the juveniles to spend more hours at home. First of all, the main contributing factor behind this trend change is the advancements in the technological field. Recently, it has been observed that children spent most of their precious hours on Apps like Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter and Instagram, where they find people of similar interest which they often find it difficult in their own family. Secondly, numerous parents are spending extended hours in their office to cater to the needs of their family and therefore, often find less or no hours for their adolescents, which results in the generation gap. For example, in a recent survey, it has been observed that the majority of users who spend their maximum time on the social media apps like Instagram and the Facebook are from age group 7 -17 years. In my opinion, it is the need of the hour that the parents should ensure that their kids spend more hours at their home. As social media is also full of negativity, and with the long term usage of it, children may become mentally unstable and develop diseases like Depression. Furthermore, in the absence of parents, they may get involved in criminal activities. So it is crucial to force them to spend their time at home. To Illustrate, in a recent survey in Delhi, the government has seen a jump in the number of criminal cases registered against juveniles. To conclude, parents should ensure that adolescents are not exposed much to social media apps and they should force their kids to spend time with them.
Nowadays, numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are spending the majority of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their friends
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This is due to the changing technological world. In this essay, I will elaborate the reasons behind this trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and the reasons why is it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the mother or father to force the juveniles to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at home.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main contributing factor behind this trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is the advancements in the technological field. Recently, it has
been observed
that children spent most of their precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
on Apps like Facebook,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
, Twitter and Instagram, where they find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of similar interest which they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find it difficult in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family.
Secondly
, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are spending extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in their office to cater to the needs of their family and
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find less or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for their adolescents, which results in the generation gap.
For example
, in a recent survey, it has
been observed
that the majority of users who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their maximum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the social media apps like Instagram and the Facebook are from age group 7 -17 years.

In my opinion, it is the need of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should ensure that their kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at their home. As social media is
also
full of negativity, and with the long term usage of it, children may become mentally unstable and develop diseases like Depression.
Furthermore
, in the absence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in criminal activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is crucial to force them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home. To Illustrate, in a recent survey in Delhi, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a jump in the number of criminal cases registered against juveniles.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should ensure that adolescents are not exposed much to social media
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
apps and
they should force their kids to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay TPO 15 - Question 3University Should Pave Running TrailsThe university has about three miles of unpaved dirt running trails that pass through the forest near campus. I think these trails should be paved with cement. One reason for paving the trails would v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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