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TPO-09 - Independent Writing TaskDo you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.2

TPO-09 - Independent Writing Task Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2
Technology nowadays are quickly being developed drastically, thus, many advancement in computers are used by majority of people. Indeed, this improvement in science had made our life' s easier and convenient. In my opinion, technology made our young generation less creative than in the older years, therefore, creativity and uniqueness in one' s minds are rarely being applied in everyday lives. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay. First of all, gadgets and computers are used almost everyday by teenagers, in which, if they need certain things to be accomplished like project in arts, they just will search in the worldwide web to know to exactly how to made things such as painting, in other words, they will not use their brain to think outside the box in creating their own masterpiece. My own experience is a compelling example of this. Before, I love to create my own dish at home, experimenting with different ingredients available at our fridge, this way I was able to practice being creative and practicing different styles in cooking, due to lack of resources when I was little I was forced to do it on my own. But now, I only relied on the internet for the procedure and ingredients that I need to cook, thus, the easy accessibility of the internet tends people becoming lazy and not imaginative in widening one' s knowledge. Secondly, technology has bad effects on our health especially on children, due, to their bodies are not fully developed their eyes could suffer, they are prone to have astigmatism and to wear graded glasses. In addition, these technology are addicting to them, such as, online games, computer games, therefore, their overall health would be compromised because they may lack the needed sleep they need for growth and development in their brain, also, some of the teenagers are having poor diet due to they are hooked in the game, they play 10 hours straight without anything to eat or drink. For instance, In the clinic I work for, a 10 year old kid was confined in the hospital due to ulcer and strained eyes, they neglect their health to feed this addiction in games. Accordingly, I believe there are no benefits to the health of our young generation to be exposed in the advancement in technology, risks in health are more abundant thus, it should not be supported at all. In conclusion, I believe that parents should not expose their off springs in technology. This is because harmful effects are expected to be seen in children who are inclined in use of computers and technology such as being less creative and bad effects on health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
nowadays are
quickly
being developed
drastically
,
thus
,
Possible agreement error. The noun advancement seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much advancement", "a good deal of advancement".
many advancement
in computers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Indeed
, this improvement in science had made our
Possible spelling mistake found.
life&
#039; s easier and convenient. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
made our young generation less creative than in the older years,
therefore
, creativity and uniqueness in
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s minds are rarely
being applied
in everyday
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I feel this way for two main reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, gadgets and computers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
almost everyday by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, in which, if they need certain things to
be accomplished
like project in arts, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
will search in the worldwide web to know to exactly how to made things such as painting,
in other words
, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their brain to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
outside the box in creating their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
masterpiece. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling example of this.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to create my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
dish at home, experimenting with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ingredients available at our fridge, this way I was able to practice being creative and practicing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
styles in cooking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to lack of resources when I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
I
was forced
to do it on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relied on the internet for the procedure and ingredients that I need to cook,
thus
, the easy accessibility of the internet tends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
becoming lazy and not imaginative in widening
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s knowledge.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
especially
on children,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
, to their bodies are not
fully
developed their eyes could suffer, they are prone to have astigmatism and to wear graded glasses.
In addition
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are addicting to them, such as, online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
therefore
, their
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
would
be compromised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they may lack the needed sleep they need for growth and development in their brain,
also
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are having poor diet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to they
are hooked
in the game, they play 10 hours straight without anything to eat or drink.
For instance
, In the clinic I work for, a 10 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
kid
was confined
in the hospital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to ulcer and strained eyes, they neglect their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
to feed this addiction in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Accordingly
, I believe there are no benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of our young generation to
be exposed
in the advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
are more abundant
thus
, it should not
be supported
at all.

In conclusion
, I believe that parents should not expose their off springs in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
harmful effects are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in children who
are inclined
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
such as being less creative and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
22Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay TPO-09 - Independent Writing Task Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
452 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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