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TPO-09 - Independent Writing TaskDo you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TPO-09 - Independent Writing Task Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
Older people have immense knowledge and experience as compared to youngsters. Therefore, some people believe that anyone should be allowed to work after 60 whilst others think it should not be the case. I support the latter, which I will discuss in following paragraphs. On the one hand, older employees are capable of giving invaluable information about any subject matter as they have been around for years, so they have more knowledge about the industry, know the bigger picture of scenarios, and better emotional intelligence, which helps to tackle complicated issues in a shorter period. In addition to it, studies have proven that those who retire, their health suddenly deteriorate, they become depressed, emotionally unstable and feel lonely. Being socially active and part of the community makes them to contribute more towards betterment of company or organization. Sometimes, these people prove to be a better teacher, as they have commercial experience as well as academic knowledge. Subsequently, earning will support to them and their dependents. On the other hand, with age humans get wiser, smarter and have wider knowledge. But this trend continues until a certain age, after that we go backward and start to forget everything. This is a human cycle, which has been same for centuries and it will remain the same because it is in our biological nature. Therefore, with time our cognitive abilities, analytical skills and memory gets weaker. Consequently, this would affect the quality of work performed. Furthermore, technology is a new phenomenon and is changing the way businesses around the globe work. The older generation is reluctant to adopt new ways. Additionally, every organization has a hierarchical structure, where there are only limited seats available, either it will be occupied by older ones or younger one. It is quite expensive to retain employee who is at the top of the ladder than to hire a new university pass out. For example, my EVP’s salary is 25Lakh, while a Management executive earns 30, 000. In conclusion, older people should be respected, and we should ask them for guidance whenever we could, but I strongly believe that older people should vacate seats for our youth, whom should be given the opportunity. This will balance the economy and society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have immense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
and experience as compared to youngsters.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that anyone should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work after 60 whilst others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it should not be the case. I support the latter, which I will discuss in following paragraphs.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
employees are capable of giving invaluable information about any
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
as they have been around for years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about the industry, know the bigger picture of scenarios, and better emotional intelligence, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to tackle complicated issues in a shorter period.
In addition
to it, studies have proven that those who retire, their health
suddenly
deteriorate, they become depressed,
emotionally
unstable and feel lonely. Being
socially
active and part of the community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to contribute more towards betterment of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or organization.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prove to be a better teacher, as they have commercial experience
as well
as academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
Subsequently
, earning will support to them and their dependents.

On the other hand
, with age humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
wiser, smarter and have wider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this trend continues until a certain age, after that we go backward and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to forget everything. This is a human cycle, which has been same for centuries and it will remain the same
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is in our biological nature.
Therefore
, with time our cognitive abilities, analytical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and memory
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
weaker.
Consequently
, this would affect the quality of work performed.
Furthermore
, technology is a new phenomenon and is changing the way businesses around the globe work. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation is reluctant to adopt new ways.
Additionally
, every organization has a hierarchical structure, where there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
limited seats available, either it will
be occupied
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
ones or younger one. It is quite expensive to retain employee who is at the top of the ladder than to hire a new university pass out.
For example
, my
Possible spelling mistake found.
EVP
’s salary is 25Lakh, while a Management executive earns 30, 000.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be respected
, and we should ask them for guidance whenever we could,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should vacate seats for our youth, whom should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity. This will balance the economy and society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO-09 - Independent Writing Task Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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