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Topic: Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v.2

Topic: Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
Technological advances have been infiltrating every aspect of life and transformed the lifestyles of both adults and children. Young children now spend a larger amount of time than ever on computer games and less involve in sports and other physical activities. There can be many reasons for this and this trend is undoubtedly a negative development. Easy access to computers and other technological gadgets is one of the main reasons. As computers have become cheaper and working parents have less time for their children, computer game consoles are seen as an inexpensive distraction for children when they need their parents’ attention. Indeed, adults are not aware of the detrimental effects of computers have for the development of their teenagers and continue to use them for the sake of the entertainment of their children. Firstly, it is widely acknowledged that there is a link between lack of exercises and child obesity. In fact, inaction and insufficient physical activities lead to a wider range of adolescent diseases such as type-II diabetes, cardiovascular diseases and mental ailments. Secondly, computer game addiction adversely affected children’s academic performance and achievement in schools. Since a large amount of time is wasted on computer games, there is little time for exercises and exam revision In conclusion, the disproportionate portion of time that children allocate for computer games, sports as well as schoolwork results from the ready availability and lack of full understanding of their parents about its effects, and this is clearly a harmful lifestyle.
Technological advances have been infiltrating every aspect of life and transformed the lifestyles of both adults and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
spend a larger amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than ever on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and less involve in sports and other physical activities. There can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this and this trend is
undoubtedly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

Easy access to computers and other technological gadgets is one of the main reasons. As computers have become cheaper and working parents have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, computer game consoles are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as an inexpensive distraction for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
when they need their parents’ attention.
Indeed
, adults are not aware of the detrimental effects of computers have for the development of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and continue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them for the sake of the entertainment of their children.

Firstly
, it is
widely
acknowledged that there is a link between lack of exercises and child obesity. In fact, inaction and insufficient physical activities lead to a wider range of adolescent diseases such as type-II diabetes, cardiovascular diseases and mental ailments.
Secondly
, computer game addiction
adversely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
academic performance and achievement in schools. Since a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is wasted
on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercises and exam
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
revision


In conclusion
, the disproportionate portion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
allocate for computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, sports
as well
as schoolwork results from the ready availability and lack of full understanding of their parents about its effects, and this is
clearly
a harmful lifestyle.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Topic: Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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