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Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? You should write at least 250 words. v.2

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
Nowadays, most kids enjoy spending time playing video games, leaving a small amount of time to engage in physical activities. One possible reason is that parents have hectic schedules preventing them to spend time with their children, however, I believe that it is causing a negative impact on a child mental and physical health. It is undeniable that parents these days have busy agendas, where they can barely take their kids to enjoy outdoor activities. In other words, both mothers and fathers spend most of their time juggling between their work and chores around the house. As a result, they leave their children to spend time playing computer games where they can keep their children busy in order to finish their tasks. For instance, a working mother finds it more suitable to keep her child enjoy the Ipad to be able to cook a meal or do the laundry. However, not doing enough sports is harmful for a human health, especially for kids. To state this in other terms, a kid spending most of his leisure time playing virtual games, and living a sedentary lifestyle, is at risk of having health issues such as cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, and obesity. For example, a recent study in the United States showed kids who are enrolled in physical activities grow older with a better immunity system than kids who are living a sedantary life. In conclusion, engaging most of the time in virtual computer games is caused by the busy lifestyle of parents, nevertheless it is affecting negatively the wellbeing of a child.
Nowadays, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
enjoy spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, leaving a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to engage in physical activities. One possible reason is that parents have hectic schedules preventing them to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their children,
however
, I believe that it is causing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on a child mental and physical health.

It is undeniable that parents these days have busy agendas, where they can
barely
take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to enjoy outdoor activities.
In other words
, both mothers and fathers spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
juggling between their work and chores around the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
As a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their children to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
where they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their children busy in order to finish their tasks.
For instance
, a working mother finds it more suitable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
her child enjoy the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ipad
to be able to cook a meal or do the laundry.

However
, not doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
sports is harmful for a human health,
especially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. To state this in other terms, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
spending most of his leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and living a sedentary lifestyle, is at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of having health issues such as cardiovascular diseases, Diabetes, and obesity.
For example
, a recent study in the United States
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
who
are enrolled
in physical activities grow older with a better immunity system than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
who are living a
Possible spelling mistake found.
sedantary
life.

In conclusion
, engaging most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in virtual computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is caused
by the busy lifestyle of parents,
nevertheless
it is affecting
negatively
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
of a child.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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