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Topic: Some people believe that smoking should be banned due to its effects, others argue that smoking has too many benefits to be banned. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.2

Topic: Some people believe that smoking should be banned due to its effects, others argue that smoking has too many benefits to be banned. 2
Smoking has inevitably been a concern to people around the world for many years. While it is often believed that smoking must not be allowed due to its various detrimental effects on people’s health, some people argue that it still has lots of positive aspects and should not be banned. On the one hand, it is no doubt that smoking is harmful to humans’ health. Many scientists have claimed that smoking is the primary culprit of various dangerous diseases, especially lung cancer. For example, my grandfather has been a heavy smoker for over 20 years. He was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago. Since then he has had to go to the hospital monthly, which costs him a lot of money. Chemotherapy makes him weaker as well as causes many pains to his body. Moreover, people around him are also forecasted to have some diseases related to cigarette smoke. Therefore, it is necessary for the government to prohibit smoking. On the other hand, cigarettes also bring many financial benefits. Nowadays, cigarettes are popular with lots of people, so the cigarette industry is strongly developed in many countries, which contributes good revenues for the government through taxes. For instance, in China, the taxes on cigarettes are extremely high. If a person spends 10 RMB to buy a package of cigarettes then 7. 5 RMB are added into the government’s turnover. Secondly, a lot of people enjoy smoking so there will be a huge number of people working for cigarette companies. If the government banned smoking, a huge number of citizens will definitely become unemployed, which is the financial burden of the whole society. Therefore, smoking should not be banned due to its economic merits. In conclusion, although cigarettes consumption brings some benefits to the economy, I personally think that they should be prevented due to its negative effects on people’s health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
has
inevitably
been a concern to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
due to its various detrimental effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that it
still
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects and should not
be banned
.

On the one hand, it is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is harmful to humans’ health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
scientists have claimed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is the primary culprit of various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases,
especially
lung cancer.
For example
, my grandfather has been a heavy smoker for over 20 years. He
was diagnosed
with lung cancer two years ago. Since
The comma is probably missing here: "then, he".
then he
has had to go to the hospital monthly, which costs him a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of money. Chemotherapy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
him weaker
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pains to his body.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around him are
also
forecasted to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
smoke.
Therefore
, it is necessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to prohibit smoking.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
also
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
financial benefits. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
are popular with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
industry is
strongly
developed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, which contributes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
revenues for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
through taxes.
For instance
, in China, the taxes on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
are
extremely
high. If a person spends 10 RMB to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a package of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
then 7. 5 RMB are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
turnover.
Secondly
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there will be a huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarette
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
banned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
, a huge number of citizens will definitely become unemployed, which is the financial burden of the whole society.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should not
be banned
due to its economic merits.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cigarettes
consumption brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to the economy, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
due to its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: Some people believe that smoking should be banned due to its effects, others argue that smoking has too many benefits to be banned. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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