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Topic: The best way to ensure the growth of children is to make parents take a parenting course. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Topic: The best way to ensure the growth of children is to make parents take a parenting course. v. 2
Caring for kids is probably the most essential job in society. Some people think that parents should attend a course that teach them to take care of their children. Personally, I disagree with this opinion due to the limit of time, parents’ inborn skills and the convenience of the Internet. Initially, many people, these days, are living in a hurry. This is because every parent has to work hard in order to bring up their family and also satisfy their fundamental needs. Moreover, these parenting courses cost them a considerable amount of money as well so it is unsuitable for those who have poor salaries. Take an example in Vietnam, there have been many advertisements that encourage people to take a course in preparation to be good fathers/mothers. And the result is that there is only one parent among ten parents who are invited to take a course, attends the parenting class. Secondly, lots of parents believe that parenting is an innate skill that every mature people can access when having children and they usually feel uncomfortable when learning what they’ve known before. Evidently, parenting classes are unnecessary. Subsequently, nowadays, with the development of mass media, parents can learn from each other and look for information on the Internet. Instead of paying fees for a parenting course, mothers can make use of the Internet to discuss with other parents online about their experiences in taking care of kids. Furthermore, there is also a wide range of trustful websites which give parents proper instruction to listen and understand their children’s thinking. Plainly, this has strongly influenced that parenting classes are impractical. In conclusion, the development of kids should be greatly cared for by adults. However, parent-teaching classes are not necessary because of the busy lifestyle, the natural abilities of every father/mother and the support of the Internet.
Caring for kids is
probably
the most essential job in society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should attend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
that teach them to take care of their children.
Personally
, I disagree with this opinion due to the limit of time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
inborn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and the convenience of the Internet.

Initially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, these days, are living in a hurry. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in order to bring up their family and
also
satisfy their fundamental needs.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
cost them a considerable amount of money
as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is unsuitable for those who have poor salaries. Take an example in Vietnam, there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advertisements that encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
in preparation to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
fathers/mothers. And the result is that there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
among ten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who
are invited
to take a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
, attends the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Secondly
, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
is an innate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
that every mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can access when having
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they
usually
feel uncomfortable when learning what they’ve known
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Evidently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
are unnecessary.

Subsequently
, nowadays, with the development of mass media,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can learn from each other and look for information on the Internet.
Instead
of paying fees for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
, mothers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet to discuss with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
online about their experiences in taking care of kids.
Furthermore
, there is
also
a wide range of trustful websites which give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
proper instruction to listen and understand their children’s thinking.
Plainly
, this has
strongly
influenced that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
are impractical.

In conclusion
, the development of kids should be
greatly
cared for by adults.
However
, parent-teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
are not necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the busy lifestyle, the natural abilities of every father/mother and the support of the Internet.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: The best way to ensure the growth of children is to make parents take a parenting course. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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