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Topic: Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Topic: Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. v. 1
Healthy children can be successful learners at the academy, although it depends on the meal which is provided from school. Personally, from my point of view, it is totally true and I believe the whole society should become responsible for this issue. First of all, the school meal is crucial for children's health, a growth and study. If children do not have a meal during their break time they may feel hungry in turn they cannot concentrate on their lessons. In addition, providing well balanced and nutritious food helps to support their immune system and support their growth. The recent survey conducted by NHK reported that a bottle of milk or yogurt is included the child's meal at Japanese schools for two decades. As a result, the modern Japanese teenagers have been maturing very quickly and their height has been increased noticeably compared to the past teenagers. Consequently, the majority of children have become more confident with their physical condition and their study. On the other hand, all parts of society such as government, department authorities as well as parents should be fully concerned with the institute diet supply for children. The decision makers of the country have to standardize the school provision ingredients very well, which has to be strictly followed by caterers. Also, parents can monitor the school bite. However, parents should not rely on the meal provided by the department, they also have to consider what their children should eat at home. To conclude, I strongly believe that studying well is directly related to the food consumed at school. However, parents should pay more attention to both school food and meals at home. Governments and school authorities responsible are always crucial for an institute cuisine.
Healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be successful learners at the academy, although it depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
which
is provided
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Personally
, from my point of view, it is
totally
true and I believe the whole society should become responsible for this issue.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
is crucial for children's health, a growth and study.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
during their break time they may feel hungry in turn they cannot concentrate on their lessons.
In addition
, providing
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well balanced
and nutritious food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to support their immune system and support their growth. The recent survey conducted by
Possible spelling mistake found.
NHK
reported that a bottle of milk or yogurt
is included
the child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
at Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
for two decades.
As a result
, the modern Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have been maturing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
and their height has
been increased
noticeably
compared to the past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
Consequently
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have become more confident with their physical condition and their study.

On the other hand
, all parts of society such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, department authorities as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be
fully
concerned with the institute diet supply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The decision makers of the country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
standardize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
provision ingredients
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
strictly
followed by caterers.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can monitor the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
bite.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not rely on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
provided by the department, they
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consider what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should eat at home.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
is
directly
related to the food consumed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should pay more attention to both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
food and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meals
at home.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities responsible are always crucial for an institute cuisine.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Topic: Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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