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Topic: Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Topic: Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. v. 2
Ages of leaders and directors have been a great concern at workplaces nowadays since it is thought that older leaders should be replaced by younger ones in this fast-moving industrialized society. I do strongly believe that contention makes sense for the following reasons. There are numerous motives why young generations should be a better fit for the position. First of all, the well-qualified degrees and updated professional knowledge that university or college graduates accumulated would be extremely necessary for their job. In fact, they are equipped with technological skills and soft-skills such as leadership, group-working, communicative and management skills. Therefore, it is easier for them to manage and guide their employees to achieve significant business goals. Moreover, leaders and managers are those who have to work under high pressure with great workloads. Consequently, only their mental and physical health be at good stages can they overcome those challenges; therefore, young and fresh generations are exactly a good choice for the management position. Admittedly, it could have been said that older leaders or directors are no longer suitable in the current challenging industry. Their old-fashioned working style would be an example worth mentioning. In order to get a task done, the elder co-workers have to go through many unnecessary processes including the red tape, which consumes a great amount of time rather than their younger counterparts do. One more thing is that the elderly have to face up many health-related problems which prevent them from going to work regularly and performing themselves perfectly at work. It could slow down the working process and affect the expected outcome of their company. From all the above-mentioned, the current industry is changing its leaders from the older to younger ones because of their greatest potentials. Universities should invest in their students and equip them with the latest professional knowledge to transform them into sought-after directors after graduating.
Ages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
and directors have been a great concern at workplaces nowadays since it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
should
be replaced
by younger ones in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-moving industrialized society. I do
strongly
believe that contention
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sense for the following reasons.

There are numerous motives why young generations should be a better fit for the position.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the well-qualified degrees and updated professional knowledge that university or college graduates accumulated would be
extremely
necessary for their job. In fact, they
are equipped
with technological
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and soft-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as leadership, group-working, communicative and management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, it is easier for them to manage and guide their employees to achieve significant business goals.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
and managers are those who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work under high pressure with great workloads.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their mental and physical health be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stages can they overcome those challenges;
therefore
, young and fresh generations are exactly a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
choice for the management position.

Admittedly
, it could have
been said
that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
or directors are no longer suitable in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
challenging industry. Their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashioned working style would be an example worth mentioning. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a task done, the elder co-workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unnecessary processes including the red tape, which consumes a great amount of time
rather
than their younger counterparts do. One more thing is that the elderly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health-related problems which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from going to work
regularly
and performing themselves
perfectly
at work. It could slow down the working process and affect the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
outcome of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

From all the above-mentioned, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
industry is changing its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
from the older to younger ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their greatest potentials. Universities should invest in their students and equip them with the latest professional knowledge to transform them into sought-after directors after graduating.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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