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Topic: As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.1

Topic: As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. v. 1
It is often argued that in some post graduate lectures the amount of gender attendance is quite different. I completely disagree with this opinion and I think that it is not due to university qualification for attending to a subject but more about student preference and future orientation. In this essay, I will discuss both views and give reasons of my choice. First of all, I believe that student chooses their course subject according their preference. They can choose the subject they want to study and do not attend to other they do not like such as mathematic because it is too difficult to understand. This method promotes better results for student and help them to be more focus. For instance, it is reported that most males are attracted by engineering than female. The reason of these results is due to their education males preferred studies sometimes related to mechanic, cars and aerospace whereas females prefer medicine, art and literacy. Therefore, this observation is more a stigmatization than the reality. It is for this reason we can find women in mechanic course. Moreover, the choice of lectures depends on their professional orientation. University gives the opportunity to their students to choose their subject. It is on their responsibility to find the most appropriate subject for their profession. For example a student who wants to work as doctor will choose subjects such as chemistry; biochemistry although a future computer scientist will prefer to learn more about informatics and mathematics than read a book and write essays for a literacy class. Thus, it is more appropriate to say that the number people per subject depend on their orientation and not their gender. In conclusion, i strongly believe that the number of student according their gender do not depend on the university decision but on student preference and work orientation
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "posts"?
post
graduate lectures the amount of gender attendance is quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
. I completely disagree with this opinion and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not due to university qualification for attending to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
more about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
preference and future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
orientation
. In this essay, I will discuss both views and give reasons of my choice.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chooses
their course
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
according their preference. They can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
they want to study and do not attend to other they do not like such as mathematic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is too difficult to understand. This method promotes better results for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to be more focus.
For instance
, it
is reported
that most males
are attracted
by engineering than female. The reason of these results is due to their education males preferred studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
related to mechanic, cars and aerospace whereas females prefer medicine, art and literacy.
Therefore
, this observation is more a stigmatization than the reality. It is
for this reason
we can find women in mechanic course.

Moreover
, the choice of lectures depends on their professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
orientation
. University gives the opportunity to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
. It is on their responsibility to find the most appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
for their profession.
For example
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who wants to work as doctor will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as chemistry; biochemistry although a future computer scientist will prefer to learn more about informatics and mathematics than read a book and write essays for a literacy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Thus
, it is more appropriate to say that the number
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
depend on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
orientation
and not their gender.

In conclusion
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
strongly
believe that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
according their gender do not depend on the university decision
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
preference and work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
orientation
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Topic: As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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