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Topic: as well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree v.1

Topic: as well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. v. 1
For years, governments of different countries around the world have adopted different ways to reduce accidents on the road, however, there are some who think that the most effective method is to bring the minimum age higher for new cars and motorbike drivers. I completely disagree with this idea as I believe that age is not a factor that can determine a person's ability. While I understand that with time comes maturity, I also think that it all depends on an individual itself. Different people act and react differently to a situation, therefore, we cannot put everyone in the same basket. For example, last year statistics in Mauritius showed that the rate of accidents caused by young drivers were not far from that of experienced one, showing clear signs that age is not a problem when it comes to road safety. In addition, a driver is able to perfect himself after experiencing the road for at least two years, meaning that even if the legal age is increased, it would always have a period where drivers will still be seen as a novice. For instance, someone who starts driving at an age of 31, will have the same fear and uncertainty as that of an 18 years old and most probably will handle a tricky road situation in the same way. In conclusion, I believe that age cannot be used as a determining element in reducing road accidents as every single individual responds to dangers in a unique way. However, more emphasis could be done at driving schools to gear up inexperienced cars and bike drivers right from the start.
For years,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries around the world have adopted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
accidents on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
,
however
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the most effective method is to bring the minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
higher for new cars and motorbike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drivers
. I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
as I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is not a factor that can determine a person's ability.

While I understand that with time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
maturity, I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it all depends on an individual itself.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
act and react
differently
to a situation,
therefore
, we cannot put everyone in the same basket.
For example
, last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
statistics in Mauritius
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the rate of accidents caused by young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drivers
were not far from that of experienced one, showing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
signs that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is not a problem when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
safety.

In addition
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driver
is able to perfect himself after experiencing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
for at least two years, meaning that even if the legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is increased
, it would always have a period where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drivers
will
still
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a novice.
For instance
, someone who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
driving at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 31, will have the same fear and uncertainty as that of an 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and most
probably
will handle a tricky
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
situation
in the same way
.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a determining element in reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
accidents as every single individual responds to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
Consider replacing "in a unique way" with the adverb for "unique"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a unique way
.
However
, more emphasis could
be done
at driving schools to gear up inexperienced cars and bike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drivers
right from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Topic: as well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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