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As well making money, Business have some social responsibilities also. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

As well making money, Business have some social responsibilities also. v. 1
Business profit's a businessman and economy of the nation. While, business have some social responsibilities also. Thus, I firmly agree with the statement that despite of, generating money, business have social responsibilities also. I would elucidate my stand in the upsurging paragraphs. To embark with, business contributes a part of their profit to country's economy with paying taxes to government. Government Can utilise this collected money for development and maintenance of schools and hospitals. so that every individual fulfill their basic needs. For example, if every person obtain better education this would also lead to positive development of nation. Furthermore, if corporations would raise there area and more companies will be there this growth in corporations lead to job opportunities for the individual's who are unemployed. In addition to this, problem of poverty would be eradicated very rapidly and without earning funds, corporations could not be able to complete there social responsibilities. On the other hand, there is a direct influence of factories on the environment, as factories are affecting nature in several ways. For example, emission of harmful gases in the atmosphere and release of toxic substances or chemicals into water of lakes or rivers cause several harmful diseases and also cause harm to marine life of aquatic animals. Hence, companies have to take care of environment also as they are taking care of there profits. although, taking care of environment is also a social responsibility. In conclusion, conclusion businesse's major aim is to generate more profit. But i believe that companies must place there social responsibilities at the top most priority.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
profit's a businessman and economy of the nation.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
responsibilities
also
.
Thus
, I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
, generating money,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
responsibilities
also
. I would elucidate my stand in the upsurging paragraphs.

To embark with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
contributes a part of their profit to country's economy with paying taxes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
Can
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
this collected money for development and maintenance of schools and hospitals.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
that every individual fulfill their basic needs.
For example
, if every person obtain better education this would
also
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development of nation.
Furthermore
, if corporations would raise there area and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will be there this growth in corporations lead to job opportunities for the individual's who
are unemployed
.
In addition
to this, problem of poverty would
be eradicated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rapidly
and without earning funds, corporations could not be able to complete there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
responsibilities.

On the other hand
, there is a direct influence of factories on the environment, as factories are affecting nature in several ways.
For example
, emission of harmful gases in the atmosphere and release of toxic substances or chemicals into water of lakes or rivers cause several harmful diseases and
also
cause harm to marine life of aquatic animals.
Hence
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of environment
also
as they are taking care of
Did you mean "their"?
there
profits.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
although
, taking care of environment is
also
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
responsibility.

In conclusion
, conclusion
Possible spelling mistake found.
businesse
's major aim is to generate more profit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
place there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
responsibilities at the top most priority.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay As well making money, Business have some social responsibilities also. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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