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TOEFL Q1/Q2: Some students tend to live alone, while others may want to share theirrooms with their roommates. Which way of living do you think is better forstudents and why? v.1

TOEFL Q1/Q2: Some students tend to live alone, while others may want to share theirrooms with their roommates. Which way of living do you think is better forstudents and why? v. 1
It is often argued that competitive sports, whether being played individually or not, should not be taught in schools. I totally disagree with removing competitive sports because they give us lots of good experience, especially teamwork and friendships. Firstly, teamwork is obtained through hardships and challenges, in which all competitive sports have. Sports which played in the competitive environment require us to build a teamwork in order to win the game. So, it is reasonable for schools to teach this teamwork to students through organising sport competitions. For example, most Thai schools have a dedicated day for sports competitions. Then they divide students to teams and make them participate lots of competitions and races. The results are impressive, most of the students gather together to do lots of things as one and interact with each other in every occasion that related to sport day, such as, sport drills and trainings. Also, the sport day itself, is even organised by students in most parts. Therefore, teamwork can be learned easily and effectively through sports competition. Secondly, friendships are also made by putting at least two athletes compete with each other. It is widely known that most athletes do have interactions not only within their own teams, but also their opponents. For instance, the relationship between two famous footballers, Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi. They have met with each other in lots of time, especially in football matches on the pitch when both of them faced off with each other. There was even in one occasion that both Ronaldo’s and Messi’s son played with each other. That is an illustration that competitions on the field don’t make enemies, but make friends. In conclusion, competitive sports are very beneficial to lots of us, especially for young students. Teamwork and friendships are made and nurtured during there are sports competitions. Thus, it is relevant to retain competitive sports in our curriculum.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, whether
being played
individually
or not, should not
be taught
in schools. I
totally
disagree with removing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they give us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
and friendships.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
is obtained
through hardships and challenges, in which all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
which played in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
environment require us to build a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
in order to win the game.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is reasonable for schools to teach this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
through
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
.
For example
, most Thai schools have a dedicated day for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
. Then they divide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to teams and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them participate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
and races. The results are impressive, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
gather together to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of things as one and interact with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in every occasion that related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
day, such as,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
drills and trainings.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
day itself, is even
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in most parts.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teamwork
can
be learned
easily
and
effectively
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition.

Secondly
, friendships are
also
made by putting at least two athletes compete with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. It is
widely
known that most athletes do have interactions not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
within their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
teams,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their opponents.
For instance
, the relationship between two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
footballers, Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi. They have met with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of time,
especially
in football matches on the pitch when both of them faced off with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. There was even in one occasion that both Ronaldo’s and Messi’s son played with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
That is
an illustration that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
on the field don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
enemies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of us,
especially
for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Teamwork
and friendships
are made
and nurtured during there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
.
Thus
, it is relevant to retain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in our curriculum.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay TOEFL Q1/Q2: Some students tend to live alone, while others may want to share theirrooms with their roommates. Which way of living do you think is better forstudents and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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