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Your friend has enough money to buy either a smartphone or laptop, but not both. What do you recommend he do and why? v.1

Your friend has enough money to buy either a smartphone or laptop, but not both. What do you recommend he do and why? v. 1
Art has become an integral part of our society, yet most of the artists are not paid good enough for their creative work. Therefore, it is the government responsibility to allocate some funds to this sector, so that artists can follow their passion without any financial problems. I completely agree with the statement because artists help in saving the cultural heritage of the country and they also help in increasing the government’s revenue by inviting tourist in the craft festivals. Artists deserve funding from the regulatory because art plays a vital role in protecting the culture of a country. As it is said that a picture speaks louder than words, so many people get to know about their history through some great art pieces. For instance, most children usually do not like to read the history books, but when historical events are described through the images, they became intrigued to know more and more about those events. In addition to that, artists also help in increasing the revenue of the tourism sector of their nation. Many art lovers, visit worldwide places to see and buy famous paintings of renowned artists. According to a survey done by a leading Indian newspaper, in 2018, 30 percent of the foreign visitors came to India to become a part of the Indian art festival. Therefore, as they play a bigger role in generating revenue for the ministry, they must get some rewards and financial support from government to keep going. In conclusion, artists are great assets to a country as they protect the cultural heritage and encourage children to learn about the history, therefore, it is the government duty to help them financially so that they can keep on doing the great work in this field.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
has become an integral part of our society,
yet
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are not paid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for their creative work.
Therefore
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
responsibility to allocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
funds to this sector,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
can follow their passion without any financial problems. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in saving the cultural heritage of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
country and
they
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
revenue by inviting tourist in the craft festivals.

Artists deserve
If 'deserve' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to fund".
funding
from the regulatory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
plays a vital role in protecting the culture of a country. As it
is said
that a picture speaks louder than words,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about their history through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
pieces.
For instance
, most children
usually
do not like to read the history books,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
through the images, they became intrigued to know more and more about those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in increasing the revenue of the tourism sector of their nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
lovers, visit worldwide places to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
paintings of renowned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
. According to a survey done by a leading Indian newspaper, in 2018, 30 percent of the foreign visitors came to India to become a part of the Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
festival.
Therefore
, as they play a bigger role in generating revenue for the ministry, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
rewards and financial support from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
going.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are great assets to a country as they protect the cultural heritage and encourage children to learn about the history,
therefore
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
duty to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them
financially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on doing the great work in this field.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Your friend has enough money to buy either a smartphone or laptop, but not both. What do you recommend he do and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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