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17. Some students tend to live alone, while others may want to share their rooms with their roommates. Which way of living do you think is better for students and why? v.1

17. Some students tend to live alone, while others may want to share their rooms with their roommates. Which way of living do you think is better for students and why? v. 1
Nowadays, most people spend a lot of time outside the home. This trend is mainly due to long working hours and leisure activities, and society, as well as individual, has affected by these causes. Today, people are living in a competitive world. Often most of the companies have to compete with other organization at an international level, which compel employees to work for long hours to achieve targets. As a result, they are less inclined to spend time with their families and deprivation of sleep also lead to some health issues with them. Another effect it has on children of society. It can be seen that in cutthroat competition, it is not easy to survive on a single pay so both parents have to work to have a decent life. In such an atmosphere, many children lack parenthood and they are not able to interact properly with other people in the society which is inevitable. Insurmountable pressure at the workplace usually makes difficult for employees going on outings. So during the work of span job holders prefer going on holiday rather than being at home. As they rarely get an opportunity to explore new things and enjoy them. For instance, augmenting the number of club membership, a profuse increase in selling theatre tickets, a large number of offers imparted by-merchandise complex allow people to come and enjoy shopping and places. It is evident that such holidays have a positive effect on societies and individuals because employment opportunities are created for people by the hospitality industry and entertainment industry. In conclusion, spending more time in companies leads to deleterious effects on individual and society in the form of health issues and lack of interacting with children, whereas, spending time outside than at the home brings about employment to the individual and society.
Nowadays, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside the home. This trend is
mainly
due to long working hours and leisure activities, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by these causes.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in a competitive world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Often
most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compete with other organization at an international level, which compel employees to work for long hours to achieve targets.
As a result
, they are less inclined to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their families and deprivation of sleep
also
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health issues with them. Another effect it has on children of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that in cutthroat competition, it is not easy to survive on a single pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
both parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work to have a decent life. In such an atmosphere,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children lack
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parenthood and
they are not able to interact
properly
with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
which is inevitable.

Insurmountable pressure at the workplace
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
difficult for employees going on outings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
during the work of span job holders prefer going on holiday
rather
than being at home. As they rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an opportunity to explore new things and enjoy them.
For instance
, augmenting the number of club membership, a profuse increase in selling
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
tickets,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
offers imparted by-merchandise complex
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
and enjoy shopping and places. It is evident that such holidays have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
employment opportunities
are created
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by the hospitality industry and entertainment industry.

In conclusion
, spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
leads to deleterious effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in the form of health issues and lack of interacting with children, whereas, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside than at the home brings about employment to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay 17. Some students tend to live alone, while others may want to share their rooms with their roommates. Which way of living do you think is better for students and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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