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TOEFL essay: Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.1

TOEFL essay: Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1
Advancement in technology is broadening financial differences between people or not is a major question of our time. In my opinion, technology helps everyone regardless of financial situation. Firstly, lets discuss why some people feel it only helps the rich. Whenever something new is discovered, it's usually expensive at first and only accessible by the wealthy. For example, when the smartphones were new, they were very costly. A luxury only affordable by the rich. So people feel that financially well off always have an advantage and will be ahead in a race. However, I feel that technology gets cheaper as the system evolves. It eventually becomes affordable for everyone just like the smartphones, which opens up more gates for the working class people. It puts all people on the same level for new opportunities. For example, with the websites like LinkedIn, all new jobs are now posted online and everyone has access to it. If you have the skills to do the work, you can get the job, no matter what is your financial condition or where you live. In the early days, if you were from a small town, you will never hear about the job prospects in cities nearby. Such obstacles are removed by the modern day innovations. In addition, As the famous saying goes "change is the only constant". Hence, instead of denying new technologies, embrace it. In my opinion, the wealth gap is created by the way financial institution works in capitalism and has little to do with the technology. The technology removes routine menial tasks from daily life, so we can focus on our professional career. In conclusion, though it feels like modern technology increases the wealth gap between people, in reality it is the most amazing tool that can get you ahead in life if used wisely.
Advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is broadening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
differences between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or not is a major question of our time. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
everyone regardless of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
situation.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
discuss why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the rich. Whenever something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
is discovered
, it's
usually
expensive at
first
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
accessible by the wealthy.
For example
, when the smartphones were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
, they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly. A luxury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
affordable by the rich.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
that
financially
well off always have an advantage and will be ahead in a race.

However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
cheaper as the system evolves. It
eventually
becomes affordable for everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like the smartphones, which opens up more gates for the working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It puts all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on the same level for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
opportunities.
For example
, with the websites like LinkedIn, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
jobs are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
posted online and everyone has access to it. If you have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to do the work, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the job, no matter what is your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
condition or where you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. In the early days, if you were from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
town, you will never hear about the job prospects in cities nearby. Such obstacles
are removed
by the modern day innovations.

In addition
, As the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
saying goes
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
constant
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
Hence
,
instead
of denying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
, embrace it. In my opinion, the wealth gap
is created
by the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
institution works in capitalism and has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
to do with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
removes routine menial tasks from daily life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we can focus on our professional career.

In conclusion
, though it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feels
like modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
increases the wealth gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, in reality it is the most amazing tool that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
you ahead in life if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
wisely
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TOEFL essay: Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
303 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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