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Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.2

Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2
There is a notion that senior citizens ought to continue their jobs as long as they are capable of doing it, and not to be retired after reaching 60 years old. I strongly disagree with this point of view because it has two main flaws such as seniors will be sticking to the higher positions and they would not enjoy their retirement age. These two main reasons for my belief will be discussed in the following paragraphs. To begin with, elderly have not been holding regard to technology; If they keep their positions in management, they will not be able to use recent programmes that are easy to deal by juniors in the society. This would have a catastrophic effect on companies which are being ruled only by seniors. There ought to be a mixture between old managers’ expertise and juniors’ enthusiasm. As a result, there will be a benevolent effect on the production of companies and the nation as well. This is exemplified by the annual conference hold in Egypt for young pioneers and the future leaders as they are called. This generation is going to play a pivotal role in leading Egypt to become a developed country. Added to that, if pensioners did not leave their jobs, they would not enjoy a new period of their life with their grandchildren. In other words, older generations may prefer to remain in their comfort zone working to escape from being a pensioner without a job. Although this is considered a better choice, they can start exploring the world and practising new hobbies. Sir Alex Ferguson, as an example, stated that he commenced his joyful life after retiring with his wife. Unless elderly are encouraged to give the chance to other young employees, they would not enjoy their activity after retirement. In conclusion, I believe that seniors have to give their experience to a new generation and let them manage. This will have a beneficial effect both for institutions the nation. Moreover, elders will be able to enjoy their own life.
There is a notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
citizens ought to continue their jobs as long as they are capable of doing it, and not to
be retired
after reaching 60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. I
strongly
disagree with this point of view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has two main flaws such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seniors
will be sticking to the higher
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
positions and
they would not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
their retirement age. These two main reasons for my belief will
be discussed
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, elderly have not been holding regard to technology; If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their positions in management, they will not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
recent
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
that are easy to deal by juniors in the society. This would have a catastrophic effect on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which are
being ruled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seniors
. There ought to be a mixture between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
managers’ expertise and juniors’ enthusiasm.
As a result
, there will be a benevolent effect on the production of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and the nation
as well
. This
is exemplified
by the annual conference hold in Egypt for young pioneers and the future leaders as they
are called
. This generation is going to play a pivotal role in leading Egypt to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Added
to that, if pensioners did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their jobs, they would not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
a new period of their life with their grandchildren.
In other words
, older generations may prefer to remain in their comfort zone working to escape from being a pensioner without a job. Although this
is considered
a better choice, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
exploring the world and
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
new hobbies. Sir Alex Ferguson, as an example, stated that he commenced his joyful life after retiring with his wife. Unless elderly
are encouraged
to give the chance to other young employees, they would not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
their activity after retirement.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seniors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give their experience to a new generation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them manage. This will have a beneficial effect both for institutions the nation.
Moreover
, elders will be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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