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TOEFL essay: It has recently been announced that large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v.1

TOEFL essay: It has recently been announced that large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1
People’s opinions differ as to whether it is advisable for the world’s information in many particular areas such as scientific experiments, business activities and education to be encouraged to be shared worldwide. However, some assert that there exists such information that cannot be shared openly due to their paramount importance as well as indispensability. These two sides of the issue will be discussed as follows and I would like to suggest my own viewpoint In the first place, there is a noticeable reason for the argument that information in mentioned areas should widely spread. Particularly, from the perspective of individuals, by being able to be accessible to these fields’ knowledge, people will probably have a profound comprehension about the world’s affairs. In other words, the general public’s knowledge is likely to be enhanced significantly thanks to the widespread specific information. For example, in terms of business activities, investors would have a deeper understanding of where to invest their resources and capital to gain profits. Another example worth mentioning is that graduates would find it not as a burden when considering which career paths to pursue with readily available and sufficient information. On the other hand, I support the view that not all information could be publicly used. The first striking reason is that some kinds of information are of top secret and confidential, which would be potentially detrimental if known by a great number of people. Such information related to a private business strategy or a destructive substance, if fallen into evil hands, would be manifestations of this. In addition, there exists a large amount of precious and invaluable knowledge or new findings with regards to science that scientists have tirelessly experimented to find out. These present their consistent efforts, industriousness for years, which cannot be easily disclosed to average people as they might take advantage of it such as obtaining the patent possession. In conclusion, I am in all agreement with the idea that information in some particular sectors should be capped at a certain level in order to avoid adverse consequences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
opinions differ
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
it is advisable for the world’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
particular areas such as scientific experiments, business activities and education to
be encouraged
to
be shared
worldwide.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
assert that there exists such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that cannot
be shared
openly
due to their paramount importance
as well
as indispensability. These two sides of the issue will
be discussed
as follows and I would like to suggest my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
viewpoint


In the
first
place, there is a noticeable reason for the argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in mentioned areas should
widely
spread.
Particularly
, from the perspective of individuals, by being able to be accessible to these fields’ knowledge,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
probably
have a profound comprehension about the world’s affairs.
In other words
, the
Consider using "public".
general public
’s knowledge is likely to
be enhanced
significantly
thanks to the widespread specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
For example
, in terms of business activities, investors would have a deeper understanding of where to invest their resources and capital to gain profits. Another example worth mentioning is that graduates would find it not as a burden when considering which career paths to pursue with
readily
available and sufficient information.

On the other hand
, I support the view that not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
could be
publicly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
. The
first
striking reason is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
are of top secret and confidential, which would be
potentially
detrimental if known by a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
related to a private business strategy or a destructive substance, if fallen into evil hands, would be manifestations of this.
In addition
, there exists a large amount of precious and invaluable knowledge or new findings
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
science that scientists have
tirelessly
experimented to find out. These present their consistent efforts, industriousness for years, which cannot be
easily
disclosed to average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as they might take advantage of it such as obtaining the patent possession.

In conclusion
, I am in all agreement with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular sectors should
be capped
at a certain level in order to avoid adverse consequences
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay TOEFL essay: It has recently been announced that large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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