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Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic? v.1

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic? v. 1
More and more developed countries are suffering due to high rates of obese young people. Some believe that the boom of fast food or convenient restaurants are the reasons that have affected the health of children. The convenient restaurants and processed foods are seen everywhere, especially in the prosperous countries, where almost all the people are amenable due to the accessibility, affordable prices and time saving for busy people. Some people are practicing their selves this way of life in order to lessen the burden of preparing of foods at home. For instance, because of my busy scheduled duties it is convenient and I prefer to eat in fast food restaurants so that I will not waste my time and energy preparing food at home. In addition to this, lack of knowledge of parents about the importance of proper food and neglecting their children causes their children's health to get worse and for children to become obese in the society. For instance, my parents are giving us allowances to buy our food outside and that is why my sister turned obese. However, others cannot stop the growth of convenient outlets because these are their livelihood and source of income. Moreover, parents cannot control the preferences of the children's taste buds which make them eager to eat processed foods than nutritious foods. I therefore agree that fast food causes the citizens to depend on fast food because of accessibility, affordable prices and convenience to lessen the burden of preparing foods and also parents lack guidance about proper foods that result in their children becoming fat.
More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
are suffering due to high rates of obese young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that the boom of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convenient
restaurants are the reasons that have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
the health of children.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convenient
restaurants and processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
everywhere,
especially
in the prosperous countries, where almost all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are amenable due to the accessibility, affordable prices and time saving for busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are practicing their selves this way of life in order to lessen the burden of preparing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
at home.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of my busy scheduled duties it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convenient
and I prefer to eat in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I will not waste my time and energy preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at home.

In addition
to this, lack of knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
about the importance of proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and neglecting their children causes their children's health to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse and for children to become obese in the society.
For instance
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are giving us allowances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outside and
that is
why my sister turned obese.

However
, others cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convenient
outlets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these are their livelihood and source of income.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
cannot control the preferences of the children's taste buds which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them eager to eat processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
than nutritious foods.

I
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
causes the citizens to depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of accessibility, affordable prices and convenience to lessen the burden of preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
lack guidance about proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
that result in their children becoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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