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More people today are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic? v.1

More people today are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic? v. 1
In the contemporary world, it is a tendency that more people choose to become a self-employer instead of working for a company or organization. In my point of view, there are many pros and cons of being a self-employer that I will analysis behind this. On the one hand, there are many reasons why people, especially the youth chooses to become a freelancer. Due to the development of online marketplaces, freelances have more opportunities find projects or suitable works via the internet, and they can work at home. The main reason is that being self-employed could have more freedom compared to working for a company. Instead of spending the whole time of your day in the office, self-employers have more time for their favourite things and work whenever they want. On the other hand, there are some risks that freelancers have to handle with. Self-employed will not finish their work before deadline if they do not have self-discipline and responsibility. Moreover, having a permanent job that helps you have a fixed income seems to be a success in my country. In contrast, becoming a freelancer, the more projects you do, the higher salaries you earn, which leads to unstable life for their family. Besides, there is no benefit such as health insurance, pension compared to working in a company. In conclusion, being self-employed is a rising trend that people tend to maximize their income, which has various advantages. However, people still need to consider the disadvantages before becoming a freelancer.
In the contemporary world, it is a tendency that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to become a self-employer
instead
of working for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or organization. In my point of view, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pros and cons of being a self-employer that I
The word 'analysis' is a noun or an adjective. A verb or adverb is missing or misspelled here, or maybe a comma is missing.
will analysis
behind this.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
the youth chooses to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancer
. Due to the development of online marketplaces, freelances have more opportunities find projects or suitable works via the internet, and they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home. The main reason is that being self-employed could have more freedom compared to working for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Instead
of spending the whole time of your day in the office, self-employers have more time for their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
things and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
whenever they want.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
handle with. Self-employed will not finish their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
deadline if they do not have self-discipline and responsibility.
Moreover
, having a permanent job that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
you have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
income seems to be a success in my country.
In contrast
, becoming a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancer
, the more projects you do, the higher salaries you earn, which leads to unstable life for their family.
Besides
, there is no benefit such as health insurance, pension compared to working in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

In conclusion
, being self-employed is a rising trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to maximize their income, which has various advantages.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
need to consider the disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
becoming a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancer
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay More people today are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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