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today more attention is paid to men sports the women what are the cause? is it a positive or negative development? v.2

today more attention is paid to men sports the women what are the cause? is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
These days, people more interest in men' s sport, in contrast, the women' s. Many social and political issue take part in this inclination. I think this phenomenon could have a negative effect on the growth of the females' athletic community. There are many reasons for this problem. Firstly, the mentality of social bias to the limited talent of the women. To illustrate, people think that females should sit at home, grow up their children and cook for the family, especially in patriarchal societies think that it would be shameful if their women participant sports competition on the ground in front of others. Hence, sportswomen are less famous than the opposite gender. Secondly, the financial support of women' s sports, whether from the government or athletic brands, are less than males. In many countries, the government gives more fund to male athletes; females, profit. For instance, the females' football dramatically achieves lower rewards, in contrast, male' s award in the world cup; and this discrimination is also happening in their annual incomes. The result of this will affect the desire of participation of females in sports events. Due to lack of motivation and financial support, many females discourage to continue the sports profession. This favouritism also impacts on the physical and mental health problem, it does not only exist in professional sport, in fanatic society, but women also have limitation even to go to the gym, leading to the spread of female obesity. Do some exercise could help to eliminate mental issues such as anxiety and stress. For healthful society, we need healthy women. In conclusion, although female sports have achieved huge aims in contrast past; the main attention absorbs males. This occurrence has undeniable adverse consequences on athlete female community.
These days,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
more interest in
Possible spelling mistake found.
men&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
,
in contrast
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
women&
#039; s.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
social and political issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in this inclination. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this phenomenon could have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the growth of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
females&
#039; athletic community.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this problem.
Firstly
, the mentality of social bias to the limited talent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. To illustrate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
should sit at home, grow up their children and cook for the family,
especially
in patriarchal societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it would be shameful if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
participant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition on the ground in front of others.
Hence
, sportswomen are less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
than the opposite gender.
Secondly
, the financial support of
Possible spelling mistake found.
women&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, whether from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or athletic brands, are less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
gives more fund to male athletes;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
, profit.
For instance
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
females&
#039; football
dramatically
achieves lower rewards,
in contrast
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
male&
#039; s award in the world cup; and this discrimination is
also
happening in their annual incomes.

The result of this will affect the desire of participation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. Due to lack of motivation and financial support,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
discourage to continue the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
profession. This
Possible spelling mistake found.
favouritism
also
impacts on the physical and mental health problem, it does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
exist in professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, in fanatic society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
also
have limitation even to go to the gym, leading to the spread of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
obesity. Do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to eliminate mental issues such as anxiety and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. For healthful society, we need healthy women.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have achieved huge aims
in contrast
past; the main attention absorbs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
. This occurrence has undeniable adverse consequences on athlete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
community.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay today more attention is paid to men sports the women what are the cause? is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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