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today more attention is paid to men sports the women what are the cause? is it a positive or negative development? v.1

today more attention is paid to men sports the women what are the cause? is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
A large portion of individuals hold the opinion that learning how to cook is an imperative quality needed in order to survive, therefore, cooking classes should be a part of school curriculums. On the contrary, some refute this belief and think that these classes would be a waste of valuable teaching time. I firmly disagree with this opinion. Firstly, providing food lessons in primary education allows children to grow up and be independent, so if anything, it is a great way to spend time in school. This is because preparing one's own lunch or dinner is an important skill to have. By teaching this from a young age, kids are able to depend on themselves and feed themselves. In addition to this, as they grow older they are able to save a lot of money that would be spent on take out, due to the fact that home cooked meals are much more affordable and healthier. For example, a meal at a fast food place like KFC would cost around 6 pounds, whereas by teaching children how to cook, they can spend those 6 pounds on ingredients like a kg of rice and chicken which would collectively cost 3 pounds. Secondly, the classroom is not only a place to learn academic subjects like Maths and Physics. This is exemplified by sports, which are also taught in educational institutions and are not considered to be a 'waste of time', in fact, sports lessons are seen as a good way to release energy and stay healthy. Cooking class's should be given the same level of importance because they also facilitate healthier lifestyles and expand skill sets. Furthermore, cooking class's can be incorporated into other subjects such as biology and chemistry, as food is closely related to these subjects and can be a fun creative way to learn. For instance, in primary school, I was taught about chemical boiling points by cooking rice in water and measuring its temperature. In conclusion, being able to make your own food is a quality that should be enhanced in primary education and taught to both males and females globally. In the future, I hope these classes are available in all curriculum's.
A large portion of individuals hold the opinion that learning how to cook is an imperative quality needed in order to survive,
therefore
, cooking classes should be a part of school curriculums.
On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
refute this belief and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these classes would be a waste of valuable teaching time. I
firmly
disagree with this opinion.

Firstly
, providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
lessons in primary education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
children to grow up and be independent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if anything, it is a great way to spend time in school. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
preparing one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
lunch or dinner is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to have. By teaching this from a young age, kids are able to depend on themselves and feed themselves.
In addition
to this, as they grow older they are able to save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money that would
be spent
on take out, due to the fact that home cooked meals are much more affordable and healthier.
For example
, a meal at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
place like KFC would cost around
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
6 pounds
, whereas by teaching children how to cook, they can spend those
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
6 pounds
on ingredients like a kg of rice and chicken which would
collectively
cost
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
3 pounds
.

Secondly
, the classroom is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a place to learn academic subjects like
Possible spelling mistake. 'Maths' is British English.
Maths
and Physics. This
is exemplified
by sports, which are
also
taught in educational institutions and are not considered to be a 'waste of time', in fact, sports lessons are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to release energy and stay healthy. Cooking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
's should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same level of importance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
also
facilitate healthier lifestyles and expand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets.
Furthermore
, cooking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
's can
be incorporated
into other subjects such as biology and chemistry, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
closely
related to these subjects and can be a fun creative way to learn.
For instance
, in primary school, I
was taught
about chemical boiling points by cooking rice in water and measuring its temperature.

In conclusion
, being able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is a quality that should
be enhanced
in primary education and taught to both males and females globally. In the future, I hope these classes are available in all
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'curriculum'.
curriculum's
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay today more attention is paid to men sports the women what are the cause? is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
365 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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