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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v.240

In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v. 240
As the world has become a global village, English is the second most popular language spoken all around the world. A large number of people move each year to some English speaking country to study at schools or for tertiary education. The reasons for such migrations and the rising popularity of English as a language are discussed in forthcoming paragraphs. To embark upon, people want to immigrate to these English countries because of a number of reasons. Firstly, many persons believe that they can learn the language rapidly if they move to an English speaking country as they will get a chance to communicate with the native speakers on a daily basis which will help them to enhance their linguistic skills more effectively. Secondly, many developing countries do not have the proper resources for the students to develop proper language learning skills while staying at their home countries. To illustrate, countries such as Bangladesh and Nepal, are lacking resources and proper universities for the students to gain particular language skills. However, English has become one of the most important languages used worldwide with around 500 billion people speaking it around the globe for a number of reasons. The foremost is that all the computer programs are written in English, therefore, to operate it and make ample use of the softwares, learning the skill of English is a must. Likewise, major international scientific journals and even many famous magazines are published in English only. Moreover, all the international awards ceremonies such as Grammy awards are conducted in English. Last but not the least, the major meetings and summits, whether it is among the countries or in the United Nations, are conducted in English only making it the most loved language among nations. To conclude, mastering skills of the English language is very essential not only for the present time but in the years to come. Thus, people prefer English speaking countries for studies.
As the world has become a global village, English is the second most popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
spoken all around the world.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
each year to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean the adjective "English-speaking"?
English speaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to study at schools or for tertiary education. The reasons for such migrations and the rising popularity of English as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
are discussed
in forthcoming paragraphs.

To embark upon,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to immigrate to these English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a number of reasons.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
persons believe that they can learn the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
rapidly
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to an
Did you mean the adjective "English-speaking"?
English speaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to communicate with the native speakers on a daily basis which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to enhance their linguistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
more
effectively
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
do not have the proper resources for the students to develop proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
while staying at their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as Bangladesh and Nepal, are lacking resources and proper universities for the students to gain particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

However
, English has become one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
worldwide with around 500 billion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
speaking it around the globe for a number of reasons. The foremost is that all the computer programs
are written
in English,
therefore
, to operate it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ample
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
softwares
, learning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
of English is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
.
Likewise
, major international scientific journals and even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
magazines
are published
in English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
Moreover
, all the international awards ceremonies such as
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Grammy awards
are conducted
in English. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, the major meetings and summits, whether it is among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or in the United Nations,
are conducted
in English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
making it the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
among nations.

To conclude
, mastering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
of the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the present time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer
Did you mean the adjective "English-speaking"?
English speaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
for studies.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v. 240

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. Hi, Please correct my essay. Many Thanks v.240