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Today, more and more students are deciding to move to a different country for higher studies. Do you think that the benefits of this outweigh the problems? v.2

Today, more and more students are deciding to move to a different country for higher studies. Do you think that the benefits of this outweigh the problems? v. 2
Some people argue that studying abroad has huge benefits for students, while others think this could comprise several drawbacks which might affect students adversely. In my view, I completely agree with both sides of study abroad. There are many reasons why more and more students choose to study abroad as it brings about many valuable impacts on them. Firstly, students would have a chance to access advanced education systems of developed countries, therefore they could enhance their academic knowledge as well as hands-on experience. Studying with many excellent people and working in professional environments are motivations for foreign students to boost themselves to work harder, which is extremely meaningful and helpful for their career in the future. Secondly, living away from parents is an opportunity for student to improve their personal skills such as communication skills and self-take care skills, so that they could live independently and become more mature. On the other hand, studying abroad has many significant drawbacks as well. First, it is extremely costly, this might be a huge burden for students and their family. For instance, their families have to borrow bank with high interest to pay fee for them. Otherwise, many students have to work part-time as much as possible to earn much money, this definitely affects adversely to their study as they do not have much time for studying. Secondly, studying abroad might become a nightmare and waste of time for several students when they suffer from mental problems such as homesick and culture shock since they could not open their heart to communicate with native friends, therefore they could not integrate. Moreover, some wealthy students only focus on shopping, hanging out with friends or even trapped in social ills like drugs. Their parents would not be happy when they know their children are facing with these problems. From my point of view, it is undeniable that studying abroad comprises a variety of advantages for foreign students to improve as well as enhance themselves and their future. In contrast, there are also many problems that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
has huge benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this could comprise several drawbacks which might affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
adversely
. In my view, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both sides of study abroad.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
choose to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
as it brings about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
valuable impacts on them.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would have a chance to access advanced education systems of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
,
therefore
they could enhance their academic knowledge
as well
as hands-on experience.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Studying
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
excellent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and working in professional environments are motivations for foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to boost themselves to work harder, which is
extremely
meaningful and helpful for their career in the future.
Secondly
, living away from parents is an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and self-take care
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
and become more mature.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
significant drawbacks
as well
.
First
, it is
extremely
costly, this might be a huge burden for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and their family.
For instance
, their families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
borrow bank with high interest to pay fee for them.
Otherwise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work part-time as much as possible to earn much money, this definitely affects
adversely
to their study as they do not have much time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
might become a nightmare and waste of time for several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
when they suffer from mental problems such as homesick and culture shock since they could not open their heart to communicate with native friends,
therefore
they could not integrate.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on shopping, hanging out with friends or even trapped in social ills like drugs. Their parents would not be happy when they know their children are facing with these problems.

From my point of view, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
comprises a variety of advantages for foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
as well
as enhance themselves and their future.
In contrast
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
that
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Today, more and more students are deciding to move to a different country for higher studies. Do you think that the benefits of this outweigh the problems? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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