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Today many young people are moving from rural areas to cities. Why is this. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. ? v.1

Today many young people are moving from rural areas to cities. Why is this. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. ? v. 1
Many people claimed that nowadays, parents of children preserve their children more carefully than in the past. Individually, I disagree with this point of view because it depends on many aspects. For a variety of reasons, I think it might be misunderstood to completely believe that children have much more protection than previously. On the one hand, in recent years, the elders, or parents had started to become more and more unregarded with their offspring because they were swept along with jobs which finally lead to creating an invisible distance between family members. In some families, misused electronic devices, especially smartphones have influence terribly and its effect will maintain as long as they don't recognize the problem. After all, it will lead to a lackadaisical family and the victims who have the most effect will be their children. Take the US as an example, although it is a developed and high-educated country with many strict and forceful laws to protect and affirm their interests, there are still many cases reported that a few children do not have enough guardianships and make them often feel desolate. In some worse predicaments, they might nurse a complex about their situation, creating many obstacles integrating into society. Furthermore, many experimental results illustrate the number of family suppers, which is an essential method to build up connections and conservations between family members, especially youngster, has decreased exponentially over many recent centuries. The less connection a family has, the more deserted it gain and until a while, that family would break down and their adolescents will grow up in an aberrant way which will create lots of obstacles for them. Finally, I believe that many infants who live in this period don't completely have much more stability because it depends a lot on society and family. In conclusion, toddlers are the most impressionable generations which need to have full protection. We should assure and educate children most effectively.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claimed that nowadays, parents of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
preserve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more
carefully
than in the past.
Individually
, I disagree with this point of view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it depends on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects.

For a variety of reasons, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it might be misunderstood to completely believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have much more protection than previously. On the one hand, in recent years, the elders, or parents had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to become more and more
Possible spelling mistake found.
unregarded
with their offspring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
were swept
along with jobs which
finally
lead to creating an invisible distance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, misused electronic devices,
especially
smartphones have influence
terribly
and its effect will maintain as long as they don't recognize the problem.
After all
, it will lead to a lackadaisical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and the victims who have the most effect will be their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Take the US as an example, although it is a developed and high-educated country with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
strict and forceful laws to protect and affirm their interests, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases reported that a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
Possible spelling mistake found.
guardianships
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel desolate. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
worse predicaments, they might nurse a complex about their situation, creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obstacles integrating into society.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
experimental results illustrate the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
suppers, which is an essential method to build up connections and
Possible spelling mistake found.
conservations
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members,
especially
youngster, has decreased
exponentially
over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
recent centuries. The less connection a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has, the more deserted it gain and until a while, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
would break down and their adolescents will grow up
Consider replacing "in an aberrant way" with the adverb for "aberrant"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an aberrant way
which will create lots of obstacles for them.
Finally
, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
infants who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in this period don't completely have much more stability
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it depends a lot on society and family.

In conclusion
, toddlers are the most impressionable generations which need to have full protection. We should assure and educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
most
effectively
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Today many young people are moving from rural areas to cities. Why is this. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. ? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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