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today many people spend too much money on leisure activities. Is it advantageous or disadvantageous? v.2

today many people spend too much money on leisure activities. Is it advantageous or disadvantageous? v. 2
Leisure activity is what makes one’s life de-stressed and hence, worthy of living. So, the practice that a great deal of one’s income is attributed for the same is truly advantageous. Admittedly, the ratio of satisfaction is directly proportional to the quantum of development that is tremendously supplemented by the leisure industry for which a lion’s share of one’s income is used up. Even though spending too much on leisure activity can be considered an extravaganza of luxury, the index of happiness conspicuously surges ahead with the utility of such actions that apparently make life more meaningful and romantic for which the lives of Europeans are mention-worthy since they are the ones who allocate a major portion of their revenue for leisure such as visiting far-away countries enriching their experience and lives. Barring the exception of fiscal stress brought about by the reckless spending on past-time activities, the money flow created by it in a market cannot be forgotten as the spending is potential enough to create countless number of jobs propping up an economy and cushioning up its stability. Despite the fact that it is too dangerous for low-income group to go on spending spree, the impact of the leisure industry results in the creation and expansion of various infrastructure that becomes the face of a nation. On top of it, the bonding of familial affair and social connectivity on a broader spectrum are amalgamated into a more satisfied entity. With that said, the spending on leisure activities evidently suggests a robust trend in all walks of life. However, wisdom will prevail if we can decipher how much is too much and if a fine line is drawn between income and expenditure with regards to spending on leisure.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
is what
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
one’s life de-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
and
hence
, worthy of living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the practice that a great deal of one’s income
is attributed
for the same is
truly
advantageous.

Admittedly
, the ratio of satisfaction is
directly
proportional to the quantum of development
that is
tremendously
supplemented by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
industry for which a lion’s share of one’s income is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
up.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
too much on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
can
be considered
an extravaganza of luxury, the index of happiness
conspicuously
surges ahead with the utility of such actions that
apparently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life more meaningful and romantic for which the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of Europeans are mention-worthy since they are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who allocate a major portion of their revenue for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
such as visiting far-away countries enriching their experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Barring the
The usual collocation for "exception" in this context is "to" not "of". Did you mean "exception to"?
exception of
fiscal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
brought about by the reckless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on past-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, the money flow created by it in a market cannot
be forgotten
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
is potential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to create countless number of jobs propping up an economy and cushioning up its stability. Despite the fact that it is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for low-income group to go on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
spree, the impact of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
industry results in the creation and expansion of various infrastructure that becomes the face of a nation. On top of it, the bonding of familial affair and social connectivity on a broader spectrum
are amalgamated
into a more satisfied entity.

With that said, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
evidently
suggests a robust trend in all walks of life.
However
, wisdom will prevail if we can decipher how much is too much and if a fine line
is drawn
between income and expenditure
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay today many people spend too much money on leisure activities. Is it advantageous or disadvantageous? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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