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Today many children spent a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. why is it? mit is a positive or negative development? v.2

Today many children spent a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. why is it? mit is a positive or negative development? v. 2
The rise in technology is a cause for physical activities. At the moment, many offspring consume their leisure time by playing games on gadgets, rather than physical recreation. This essay will discuss the plausible reason behind this phenomenon at its impact as a result of the young generation. At first, modern technology playing a crucial role in the development of a growing adolescent. Though, it broadens one’s horizon. However, in the current scenario the entertainment media is becoming increasingly popular among the young generation, they want to devote their time by playing games on computers, the reason behind this is they want to escape from their boring and monotonous live, although the feeling of success. Research shows that video games boost their energy level, for instance, high definition graphics, Dolby Sound, feel them that everything is happing in reality. On the contrary, despite the nation’s fascination with the latest gadgets children’s getting isolated from their own family members. Young generation started growing in their own world of imagination rather than the real world, although there are a plethora of factors surrounding among this issue the foremost is the health issue due to spending hours at home while playing games, toddler’s leads towards health problem such as obesity, stress, unsocialised, homesickness. In the west, an average child does have sports twice a week that is not enough for a sedimentary lifestyle. To gist, I would like to say that technology is playing a massive role in one’s life but in my standpoint, it had a negative impact on the young generation by keeping them away from their natural talent.
The rise in technology is a cause for physical activities. At the moment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
offspring consume their leisure time by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on gadgets,
rather
than physical recreation. This essay will discuss the plausible reason behind this phenomenon at its impact
as a result
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.

At
first
, modern technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a crucial role in the development of a growing adolescent.
“Though” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Though
, it broadens one’s horizon.
However
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
scenario the entertainment media is becoming
increasingly
popular among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation, they want to devote their time by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computers, the reason behind this is they want to escape from their boring and monotonous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, although the feeling of success. Research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
boost their energy level,
for instance
, high definition graphics, Dolby Sound, feel them that everything is
Possible spelling mistake found.
happing
in reality.

On the contrary
, despite the nation’s fascination with the latest gadgets children’s getting isolated from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family members.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
growing in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
world of imagination
rather
than the real world, although there are a plethora of factors surrounding among this issue the foremost is the health issue due to spending hours at home while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, toddler’s leads towards health problem such as obesity,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'unsocialised' is British English.
unsocialised
, homesickness. In the west, an average child does have sports twice a week
that is
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for a sedimentary lifestyle.

To gist, I would like to say that technology is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a massive role in one’s life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my standpoint, it had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation by keeping them away from their natural talent.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Today many children spent a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. why is it? mit is a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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