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Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v.5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 5
Currently, playing games on computers is the most common activity on which the youth always spends more time than on outdoor activities. I believe there are several reasons for this occurrence and in my view, this tendency definitely brings back some disadvantages, which I will discuss now. One possible cause for this phenomenon is that playing video games is simple and convenient. To illustrate, kids do not need to leave their home or prepare any sophisticated equipment like doing sports, or they can play at any time despite the appalling weather. Moreover, parents tend to have a more hectic life now, thus having limited time to spend and take care of their children is inevitable. Therefore, allowing them to play video games at home is a way for adults to let their kids unwind without them. Finally, youngsters can also be influenced by their friends or attractive game advertisements that persuade them to allow time for this type of recreation. Online games to play with their classmates just by sitting down at home and colourful game commercials are factors that make children opt for computer games instead of doing outdoor activities. Another point I want to cover is that there are some negatives to this situation. Firstly, excessive gaming and lack of exercise can make young gamers have a sedentary lifestyle. They are likely to stay at home all the time, be passive and lazy, which can cause health diseases such as short-sighted or obesity. Additionally, using too much time for this activity will lead to crime. Statistics have shown that juvenile crime rates are rising significantly these days. One particular case relating to video games is that when they do not have enough money to purchase for new games, stealing money from people, even in their family, is the easiest way for them to serve their purpose since they have not had a job yet. Finally, if teenagers play video games too much, it will create a boundary between family members. For example, they just spend all their time playing it, so not having enough time to share stories or talk with their parents, or even forget them, will occur, which will destroy the relationship between generations in the house. In conclusion, I do not deny that playing video games is one exciting form of entertainment, but due to its causes and drawbacks, parents should balance their work and life to spend more time with their kids and explain the detrimental effects of it if their children play too often.
Currently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computers is the most common activity on which the youth always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than on outdoor activities. I believe there are several reasons for this occurrence and in my view, this tendency definitely brings back
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages, which I will discuss
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

One possible cause for this phenomenon is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is simple and convenient. To illustrate, kids do not need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their home or prepare any sophisticated equipment like doing sports, or they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
at any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
despite the appalling weather.
Moreover
, parents tend to have a more hectic life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
thus
having limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
and take care of their children is inevitable.
Therefore
, allowing them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
at home is a way for adults to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their kids unwind without them.
Finally
, youngsters can
also
be influenced
by their friends or attractive game advertisements that persuade them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for this type of recreation. Online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
with their classmates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by sitting down at home and
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
game commercials are factors that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children opt for computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of doing outdoor activities.

Another point I want to cover is that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
negatives to this situation.
Firstly
, excessive gaming and lack of exercise can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
young gamers have a sedentary lifestyle. They are likely to stay at home all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, be passive and lazy, which can cause health diseases such as short-sighted or obesity.
Additionally
, using too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for this activity will lead to crime. Statistics have shown that juvenile crime rates are rising
significantly
these days. One particular case relating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is that when they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
for new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, stealing money from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, even in their family, is the easiest way for them to serve their purpose since they have not had a job
yet
.
Finally
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
too much, it will create a boundary between family members.
For example
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
all their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
not having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to share stories or talk with their parents, or even forget them, will occur, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
the relationship between generations in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

In conclusion
, I do not deny that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is one exciting form of entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to its causes and drawbacks, parents should balance their work and life to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their kids and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the detrimental effects of it if their children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
421 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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