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Today consumers are facing an increasing amount of advertising from competing companies To what extent do you think consumers are influenced by advertisements? What measures can be taken to protect them? v.1

Today consumers are facing an increasing amount of advertising from competing companies What measures can be taken to protect them? v. 1
Many people believe that advertisements will influence our daily life while nowadays businessmen not only invest promotions on the televisions but also invest in social media. Although the first reaction to some people is to oppose such claims. Nonetheless, from my points of views, there are several persuasive reasons to agree with this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are a number of perspectives to examine this issue more in depth. The main reason to support my position is that advertisements have magical power to influence people. Take my friend, Tina, for example, she was not interested in any online game. However, last year she found out a promotion of a type of games on Facebook. She started to spend a whole day playing and she doesn't even go to the school now. From such examples, it demonstrates that we are easily affected by the promotions. Another reason for my belief is that the advertisements are trying to change our living styles so that they could make profits for themselves. For instance, my sister, Jane, she had been a vegetarian for more than 10 years. However, she kept seeing a group of pictures on Facebook that showing burgers, steaks, and fried chickens. Hence, she gives up for being a vegetarian. Consequently, it can be said that people's diets could be also changed through companies' marketing investments. To conclude, it is not to say that other points of views are totally no merits. Nevertheless, the reasons I have presented can support the position of advertisements are influencing civilians. Therefore, if we want to protect us from these marketing plans, we need to know our wills well. By that way, we could avoid the challenges of the competing companies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
will influence our daily life while nowadays businessmen not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
invest promotions on the televisions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
invest in social media.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
the
first
reaction to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
to oppose such claims. Nonetheless, from my points of views, there are several persuasive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are a number of perspectives to examine this issue more in depth.

The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to support my position is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
have magical power to influence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Take my friend, Tina,
for example
, she was not interested in any online game.
However
, last year she found out a promotion of a type of games on Facebook. She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to spend a whole day
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
playing and
she doesn't even go to the school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. From such examples, it demonstrates that we are
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the promotions.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for my belief is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our living styles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profits for themselves.
For instance
, my sister, Jane, she had been a vegetarian for more than 10 years.
However
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
seeing a group of pictures on Facebook that showing burgers, steaks, and fried chickens.
Hence
, she gives up for being a vegetarian.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's diets could be
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' marketing investments.

To conclude
, it is not to say that other points of views are
totally
no merits.
Nevertheless
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
I have presented can support the position of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are influencing civilians.
Therefore
, if we want to protect us from these marketing plans, we need to know our wills well. By that way, we could avoid the challenges of the competing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Today consumers are facing an increasing amount of advertising from competing companies What measures can be taken to protect them? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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